Kids And Experts Agree—

Praise Falls Flat When Everyone’s A Winner

By Nancy K. Crevier

A fifth grade band finishes its concert and the grateful audience claps. A third grade has danced and sang its way into the hearts of all of the parents gathered at the concert. The clapping begins. As all of the recital performers take a bow, wild clapping ensues. One by one and two by two, the audience pushes to its feet. Before long, a wave of applauding audience members rises up until all are on their feet showering the performers with praise.

The little thespians are honored with one of the art world’s most recognized tradition of acclaim: a standing ovation.

A standing ovation, by tradition, is reserved for performances of extraordinary caliber. It is, or has been, considered the highest form of praise an audience reserves for performances that excel. In recent years, however, standing ovations, particularly at events featuring young performers, have become de rigeur, regardless of the actual quality of the overall performance. When children’s sometimes admittedly mediocre performances are greeted with the same response a truly talented individual or group receives, what is the message that is sent?

Greg Simon, athletic director at Newtown High School and a coach with 25 years of experience, has watched the trend swing from a time when only championship teams or truly top-class athletes received awards to a time when every participant is in line to receive a trophy or ribbon of some kind. As part of a self-esteem building program, he does not see this as a necessarily negative development.

“A tangible award is meaningful at an early age,” he says. “It makes the kids feel good.” Blindly awarding participation trophies to older children, however, can encourage mediocrity, says Mr Simon. “Plastic trophies don’t have much meaning to kids.”

What Mr Simon wants competitors to understand is that not everyone is going to win. “Giving your all should be the award,” he says. “I always tell my kids that there is more to learn from losing a game than winning.”

By the time a student is in high school, young people should realize that the dozens of awards and plaques given out each year at Newtown High School recognize only those students who have contributed significantly to the team, says Mr Simon.

A spokesperson for Brass City Trophy in Oakville, Conn., thinks low-end trophies are of little value to children past the age of 8 or 9. “They don’t cherish them when they get older,” she says. “The cheaper [trophies], kids throw away. A long time ago, only the ones who excelled received trophies.”

Brass City Trophies, she says, no longer deals in the molded acrylic figurines that grace shelf after shelf in many a student’s room. The company now deals mainly in high-end, customized trophies and many groups have elected to award engraved pewter plates or crystal awards to high achievers only, due to budget cuts and lack of sponsorships to purchase trophies.

“When a lot of money was floating around, everyone got one,” she says.

As the owner of Mr Trophy in Hartford, Butch Surwilo has more than 45 years of experience in the field of trophies and awards. He does not see the simple trophies passed out to those who participate in an event as meaningless.

“Every child is not gifted, whether it be in sports, academics, music, or whatever, but if you see that he or she has tried their utmost at the task at hand, a simple trophy to show you noticed how hard they tried could only encourage them to continue to better themselves,” he says.

Particularly for the littlest participants, who may not understand a wordy speech, a $5 trophy awarded them by someone who they look up to is an extraordinary item, he says. “That’s what a child understands.”

As the recipient of the John McVicar Distinguished Service Award for the Rocky Hill Athletic Hall of Fame this month, Mr Surwilo says that, even at his age, he could not have felt prouder to have his family see him receive the plaque. “It didn’t matter what I did; what did matter is that someone noticed and at that moment the feeling of pride in yourself cannot be explained. In my opinion, that is what a child feels when you hand him that little trophy and say, ‘Here, buddy. Congratulations on a job well done.’”

 

Praise Devalued

But after years of being rewarded when a job is not well done, when after years of being on the receiving end regardless of how hard one did or did not practice, when middle-of-the-road skills are rated on par with natural talent, how do children react when that is no longer the case?

“Sometimes it can result in depression,” says Bart Schofield, a local marriage and family therapist. “Constant praise reduces the value of the praise and there is a potential for later disappointment. At some point, everyone is not going to stand up and applaud.”

A child who has received the equivalent of a standing ovation for everything he/she has attempted can turn into a child who always expects things to go his/her own way. “I hear kids who say, ‘It’s not fair,’ if they can’t have one thing or the other or get their way,” says Mr Schofield. “I remind them that ‘fair’ takes two or more people to happen. We are producing adults who don’t know what ‘fair’ means.”

Lavishing undeserved praise upon children can have long-lasting, negative effects, says Mr Schofield. “If you’ve always gotten high praise, you lose that push. When the message sent is, ‘Anything I do that is passable, is wonderful,’ it can result in young adults who need to be praised for every move,” he observes.

This is not to say that praise is a bad thing. If anything, says this therapist, parents need to praise more frequently than they often do. How much praise and how praise is worded are the important factors, though, he says. “Keep the praise on a personal level, focused on the child’s efforts,” recommends Mr Schofield. “A child who can keep the locus of control within him or herself doesn’t need the ‘prize.’ They will recognize, ‘If I am trying to do well, I am successful.’”

Mr Schofield suggests using phrases such as, “You did a good job on that,” “I’m proud of you,” or “You’re doing well. It’s wonderful to see how you stick to this,” as terms that help a child develop the inner pride that can carry them through difficulties.

“Acknowledge what they are doing is tough, but that progress is apparent,” he says. Children who learn to look inside themselves for strength, he feels, will be the ones who adapt successfully as they learn to accept the difference between passable and excellent.

 

A World With No Obstacles

A 23-year veteran of the education world, Donna Denniston, Reed Intermediate School principal, agrees with Mr Schofield. “I think there is a tendency on the parts of adults to try to create a world in which children encounter no obstacles. By removing every obstacle from their paths, we do them a disservice, because they don’t develop any resilience for the inevitable time when they will encounter obstacles. Helping them learn how to problem solve around obstacles is a far better approach,” says Mrs Denniston.

She believes that praise is one of the most effective ways for teachers and parents to help children shape values and behavior, but care must be taken, she says, that it is not used in a counterproductive way. “We have not so much overused praise,” she says, “but in my opinion, have lost focus on what to praise. Praise for insignificant or mediocre performance or behavior is in this category,” says Mrs Denniston. “Worst of all, kids see right through it. When you see the face of a child who has been praised for something that deserves to be recognized, it is clear that the child is proud. Likewise, when a child is praised gratuitously, they aren’t all that impressed.”

Twelve-year-old Troy Neves has received various academic awards during his school career. To him, the certificates and awards are valuable, so long as they are earned. “You got it for achieving something,” he says. Most of the time, he feels that teachers and other instructors are on the money when dishing out praise. Occasionally, though, he receives praise that is not in line with the quality of his work, he says, and as Mrs Denniston points out, he recognizes that. “Sometimes [teachers] think I’m doing amazing, but I don’t think so,” says Troy. “It makes me feel confused.” The empty praise does not prevent Troy from forging onward, though. “I want to try harder. I know when I’m doing well,” he says.

A ten-year veteran of the Newtown soccer scene, 15-year-old Haley Keane has her share of trophies and awards lining the shelves at home. She appreciates the trophies that her team wins at the higher level of play in which she now takes part , but as to the numerous participation trophies lugged home when on a parks and recreation team as a younger child, she says, “It doesn’t mean anything. If we didn’t have enough heart to win, then we didn’t deserve a trophy. If a better team wins, it doesn’t hurt to not get a trophy now,” she says. “Not everyone gets one, so the trophies we get for soccer now really are meaningful.”

It is not just in sports that Haley has picked up on hollow praise. “In elementary school we got awards all of the time and I wasn’t even trying.” The problem, she says, is that she did not learn to apply herself. “When I got to middle school and high school, it was a lot harder. I didn’t get awards anymore. I didn’t know to work hard to get the good grades. It made me realize, though, that I need to try more and work to my capacity to get anywhere.”

Haley says that whether on the field or in the classroom, she appreciates praise that is thoughtful and really means what is said. “If it’s insincere praise, I can detect it,” she says.

Despite the plethora of trophies and accolades handed out in recent years, Mrs Denniston feels that students and adults are still able to recognize superior effort. “It stands out, as it always has, and is not diminished by recognition of others whose performances might not reach the same levels,” she says.

Is a standing ovation ever deserved or are there times when trophies and ribbons denote a superior job? Certainly, that is true, but Mr Schofield warns that adults would do well to remember this advice:  “Don’t praise out of proportion to the skills.”

Says Mrs Denniston, “When we look for improvements, and praise those aspects of performance, we foster motivation. I believe if we used more expressions of appreciation and saved real praise for jobs well done, it would mean more to the children. They would buy it!”