By Kim J. Harmon

Are you giddy with anticipation?

Well, then, shouldn’t you be taking your medication?

Yes, the 2001 National Football League season opens this weekend and thousands of local football fans who have somehow deluded themselves into thinking the New York Giants, New York Jets or New England Patriots have an honest shot at the Super Bowl are anxiously awaiting the first kickoff at 1 pm on Sunday, September 9.

It has been a sad, chilling, and bizarre off-season . . . with Korey Stringer of the Minnesota Vikings succumbing to heat stroke, with the New England Patriots suspending (without pay) their star receiver for an entire season, and with the NFL locking out its referees just because the zebras (who, we all know, couldn’t see a crucial holding penalty if it was diagrammed for them up there on the Jumbotron) wanted a 600% bump in their salaries.

But this is where we look forward to the 2001 season – where we evaluate every player in the NFL, weigh the strengths and weaknesses of every team, assess the strengths of each team’s schedule, and then – after burning incense, smearing ourselves in pig’s blood, chanting under a full moon and putting in a phone call to Cleo – make our predictions.

Like . . .

+ The NFL will be sued under the Americans With Disabilities Act to provide assisted-living guide dogs so that Minnesota Vikings kicker Gary Anderson (42), New York Giants kicker Morten Anderson (41), Washington Redskins cornerback Darrell Green (41), Oakland Raiders receiver Jerry Rice (39), Washington Redskins defensive tackle Bruce Smith (38) and New York Jets quarterback Vinny Testaverde (37) can move about the field without their walkers.

+ Quarterback Brad Johnson of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers blows out a hamstring trying to lace up his cleats. The same week, quarterback Chris Chandler will tear a ligament in his elbow trying to open a bottle of aspirin.

+ After a frustrating time trying to reach an agreement with the locked-out referees, the NFL simply grabs eight beer-swilling, nacho-chomping, naked-from-the-waist up yahoos from each stadium and puts THEM on the field – because, God knows, THEY can see a clipping penalty from a thousand feet away.

+ When a referee stands too long with his head stuck in front of the replay camera, it is discovered he has spent all his time watching a major league baseball playoff game – which is infinitely more entertaining than the game between the New Orleans Saints and Detroit Lions.

+ Pat Summerall slips further out of reality – despite a whole host of BOOMs and BAPs from co-anchor John Madden – and starts calling the 1956 NFL championship game between the New York Giants and Chicago Bears (won by the Giants, 47-7).

+ The Tampa Bay Buccaneers expose the shameful state of the Dallas Cowboys defense in Week 1 when running back Warrick Dunn rushes for 395 yards and five touchdowns on just five carries. Tired out, Dunn takes the second half off and the Bucs win, 77-0.

+ Increasingly frustrated with the poor backfield play of Tiki Barber all season, the New York Giants discover he is actually his twin brother, Rondè.

As for which team will win the six divisions, which teams will qualify for the playoffs, and which teams will reach the Super Bowl – only to have halftime increased to six hours so that FOX can air a Simpsons marathon instead of some stupid musical melange – we won’t tell you what we know, but we will tell you what we think.

So, at a risk to your own sanity, read on – and then peruse our weekly picks in Kim’s Korner so that you can scoff at us.

Enjoy.

AFC

Division Winners

Indianapolis Colts

Baltimore Ravens

Denver Broncos

Wildcards

Miami Dolphins

Tennessee Titans

New York Jets

First Round

Baltimore over New York

Tennessee over Miami

Second Round

Indianpolis over Tennessee

Denver over Baltimore

AFC_Championship

Tennessee over Denver

NFC

 

Division_Winners

New York_Giants

Minnesota Vikings

St. Louis Rams

Wildcard Winners

Philadelphia Eagles

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

New Orleans Saints

First Round

Philadelphia over Minnesota

Tampa Bay over New Orleans

Second Round

New York over Philadelphia

Tampa Bay over Minnesota

NFC_Championship

Tampa Bay over New York

SUPER_BOWL

 

Tennessee over Tampa Bay

All logos are trademarks of the National Football League and the respective teams.