Happy Holidays Possible With Some Planning

By Nancy K. Crevier

Norman Rockwell never painted the holiday picture of the sister-in-law pouting in the kitchen, the table that is bending under the burden of an economy that tanked rather than a Thanksgiving turkey, the uncle who keeps slipping out the back door until he slips under the table, or the exhausted cook crying over spilled milk. It is not so much fun to record the angst and the agony that can make up the weeks leading into the holidays.

Emotions run high during that period of time between Halloween and the New Year, and stress is the common denominator for those who strive to achieve the storybook holiday that is portrayed in paintings and sung about with gusto. What brings on stress during a time meant to convey peace and happiness?

“It’s spelled F-A-M-I-L-Y,” said Ruth Schofield, who along with her husband, Bart, is a licensed marriage and family therapist. Stress surrounding the holidays begins early for people, especially those with family difficulties, said Mr Schofield. “I have had people call me as early as September 10 one year, already anxious over the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. It is an emotionally charged time of year,” he said.

“During the holidays we have an extra charge from added sugar in our holiday treats, overeating or not eating well, lack of sleep, and we tend to drink more alcohol than usual. We tend to fill the bucket to overflowing,” Ms Schofield said, all of which exacerbate underlying anxieties.

Anxiety is a fear of what may be out there, explained Ms Schofield, and people “get nervous about fulfilling dreams or focus on dreams that weren’t fulfilled.” Problems encountered during past holidays make people concerned about how not to have things “blow up again,” she said.

What the Schofields suggest to individuals and families going through trying times is finding ways to redirect situations, instead of being directed by emotions.

Planning ahead is essential to a happier holiday, said the Schofields. Shop earlier, and more moderately, and make shopping for gifts a fun project, not a burden.

If out-of-town guests are expected, go through a thought process before they arrive as to what is going to happen first, then next, and so on. Do not be afraid to set boundaries. If parents live nearby and siblings from away will be visiting, or vice versa, plan some smaller, one-on-one gatherings for each sibling. “Prepare everyone ahead of time for that and present it as a positive event,” said Mr Schofield.

Couples who are hosting guests need to make pockets of private time to destress. “Walk the dog together, get up early and have breakfast together, or go out to lunch just as a couple,” Ms Schofield suggested.

Learning To Relax

There are also subtle physical techniques for relaxing that can be used during stressful situations. “Cross your ankles, and intertwine your fingers. This will help you feel grounded,” said Ms Schofield. If intertwining the fingers feels unnatural, she suggested holding the index finger and thumb together to close the energy circle. A guided meditation practiced beforehand can be useful when feeling overwhelmed by holiday events.

One meditation that the therapists use is imagining a beaded bracelet on one wrist. Visualize power moments and touch the “beads” on the “bracelet” for each one. When dealing with stressors, simply touch those spots on the wrist and return to that power moment.

“Planning ahead helps us to feel more powerful and we can flow through difficult times more easily,” said Ms Schofield.

Dr Naomi Miller, clinical social worker and therapist working out of Newtown and New York, agreed that family situations could touch off a number of feelings during the holidays. “Holidays aren’t always happy times for everybody,” said Dr Miller. “Everybody has a small child within them, with issues, and when people get together with family, that small child and any resentments can bubble up,” she said. It is important to recognize that the holidays and holiday gatherings are not the time and place to deal with old issues, though, she said.

There is also a pervading sense that one is “supposed” to be happy during the holiday season she said, giving rise to depression. “People think there are things they ‘ought’ to be doing or feeling,” she said.

Food and drink, sometimes in excess, tend to be a part of holiday gatherings and can lead to problems, Dr Miller pointed out.

“Go easy on the hard liquor, especially, at holiday gatherings. People can say things that they later regret [when they have had too much to drink]. And don’t push food onto family members, just because you may have spent a lot of time making it. Food can be an issue for others, so be supportive of other family members’ needs,” she recommended.

One simple thing that family members can do, especially in situations where visitors may not have been seen in awhile, is to be a good listener. “Everyone wants to be heard, so don’t hog the floor,” said Dr Miller.

Find Common Ground

By focusing on family commonalities, and not the resentments, the holiday season can be more pleasant for all involved.

Along with the sense that all must be “perfect” and family situations that must be nuanced, the holidays can be stressful financially, said Dr Jeannie Pasacreta, a psychiatric nurse and therapist with Integrated Therapy in Newtown. “The last couple of years especially have had financial stress added to the usual, everyday stressors. During the holidays, people try to overcome that, and they overspend, or overuse the credit cards. All that does is add more stress to the situation,” said Dr Pasacreta.

Then throw in the overeating, overdrinking, a lack of sleep, and any problems at work or with family, and a holiday horror show can result, rather than a joyous occasion.

“Don’t feel you have to do things in a ‘perfect’ way,” urged Dr Pasacreta. “Make a schedule for what you can actually do in light of other things that must be done,” she added. Childhood memories are mostly imperfect; so do not go overboard trying to recreate them.

Reassess family obligations. It is not necessary to spend the holidays with people with whom it is difficult to be around. Give yourself permission to say no to those people. “Pay attention to what makes us happy, and what we really need to do. For instance,” said Dr Pasacreta, “our children really just want our time.”

For some people, the issue is not too much family around, but not enough family. “Those people imagine everyone else is with large families. Find a social connection, invite others to dinner,” suggested Dr Pasacreta, if you have not made plans. Being proactive is important.

Connections

Individuals do need to find a way to connect with friends and neighbors, or even community groups, during the holiday season, said Mandy Tolson, LCSW, whose Newtown/Danbury practice focuses on adolescents, families, and couples. But the individual who is invited to share a holiday with friends should remember that they were invited because they are wanted. “Ask the family about their holiday traditions before you arrive, though,” she suggested, “and offer to assist or be a part in any helpful way, so that you don’t arrive not knowing what to expect.” That goes two ways, she added. The host or hostess should give the guest an idea of what the family traditions are beforehand, so that everyone is comfortable.

“Family can go one of two ways during the holidays,” said Ms Tolson. There can be feelings of sadness or loneliness if there has been a recent death or if families are apart during the holidays. On the opposite end of the spectrum is the feeling of “too much family. If you go home, like college students do, for example, or have family visiting for extended periods of time, it can be stressful.”

Finances are the other area that brings on holiday stress for clients, said Ms Tolson. “People feel they have to produce a particular type of holiday, with elaborate decorating and lots of entertaining, and gifts that must be bought. Even if money is not a pressure, that can create stress,” she said.

She suggests simplifying and focusing on the aspects of the holidays that are most meaningful to an individual or family. It does take some planning ahead of the season and family discussions as an extended group in order to see how best to make the family function, Ms Tolson said.

Rituals And Celebrations

“Typically I recommend to my clients to try a new ritual or celebration that can reduce stress. It can be as simple as a cookie swap instead of trying to do all of the baking yourself; maybe a cocktail party or just having company for dessert. People get an idea of how it’s supposed to be. It looks beautiful in our heads, but in reality, it is not easy,” she said.

Changing the style of gift giving by deciding to just give gifts to the children; drawing one name to buy for instead of being swamped financially and emotionally by the demands of dozens of gifts; setting a family budget maximum for gift spending; or deciding on only handmade gifts may be ways of decreasing stressful holiday situations. “Some prediscussion of what we are willing to do will be necessary, and this won’t work for everybody, of course. But it can ease the financial and shopping stresses,” Ms Tolson said.

Simplify by selecting one gift that is appropriate for all of the teachers, coaches, and bus drivers if you have young children. If finances are really tight, consider writing a card or a letter with true sentiments. “This is often the most precious gift to a teacher, friend, family member, or neighbor,” she pointed out.

The busy shopper should not be afraid to take advantage of any gift-wrapping services in stores. “Go for it,” urged Ms Tolson. “Some stores have organizations that may be offering gift wrapping for a small donation, so that’s a little plus.”

It is also important, she said, to take care of yourself. “Get enough sleep, try to maintain some kind of routine even as you splurge a little. Get some exercise. If you are drinking a little more and eating more sweets than usual, you will feel the effects.” Put yourself on the gift list, too, even if it is only the present of a long soak in the tub. “Do something special for yourself. This is especially important for people without a lot of family around. Make it happen on your own,” she said.

A certain level of stress may increase productivity, but it is a fine line before stress crosses over into feelings of being overwhelmed and frustrated. “Choose the holiday traditions you don’t want to drop,” Ms Tolson encouraged, “but which you can change in order to have a more joyful holiday season.”