Domestic Violence: What It Is, What To Do

Domestic violence crosses all socio-economic borders and affects men, women, and children. Often those who live with, work with, and befriend victims of domestic violence are unsure how to intervene, when to intervene, and if intervention should take place when domestic abuse is suspected. Community educator Heidi Rankin from the Women’s Center of Greater Danbury says that the worst thing a person can do if abuse is suspected, is to do nothing.

The Connecticut Coalition Against Domestic Violence identifies typical behaviors of batterers as: verbal abuse; pressure tactics that rush a partner into making decisions through intimidation; disrespect; abusing trust; emotional withholding; minimizing, denying and blaming that makes light of abusive behavior and refuses to take concerns seriously or shifts responsibility for the abusive behavior; economic control; isolation tactics such as preventing contact with friends or relatives and monitoring phone calls; stalking and harassment; intimidation through threatening gestures, use of physical size, or threatening to harm other family members; destruction of possessions or household items; threats of physical harm; sexual violence of degrading treatment based on sex or sexual orientation or using force; physical violence including slapping, punching, grabbing, kicking, choking, pushing, biting, burning, stabbing, or shooting.

The decision to intervene in a case of domestic violence should not be taken lightly, said Ms Rankin. It is important, first of all, to evaluate the risk. “You need to know your comfort zone and have a safety plan,” she said. Secondly, when confronting the victim or the abuser, how the message is presented must be determined. “Ignoring abuse tells the abuser that the behavior is okay, but the confrontation has to be handle carefully,” cautioned Ms Rankin. “For the victim, name the abuse, and name the victim’s strengths, as well. Don’t forget that these victims have shown incredible coping skills,” she recommended.

When approaching the abuser, use a nonconfrontational manner and name the behavior that is of concern.

Know when to refer, but be careful how that is done, said Ms Rankin, so that the victim is not put in a more dangerous situation. For example, she said, it may seem helpful to give a card for domestic violence referral services to someone who appears to be in a domestic abuse situation. “But what happens if the abuser finds that card? The violence can escalate. The most dangerous time in a relationship is when a person leaves. There is that loss of control experienced by the abuser,” she explained.

“Lose the ‘shoulds’ and ‘shouldn’ts,’” said Ms Rankin. It is impossible to judge another’s situation and understand the many layers that make up domestic abuse situations. “Don’t tell anyone what to do,” she said.

She reiterated the importance of assessing the safety of intervening. “When your gut instinct tells you there is a serious situation, seek out professional resources for further intervention,” she urged. “But do something.”

The Women’s Center of Greater Danbury provides completely confidential free counseling (there is no caller ID), a domestic violence hotline, resource information, and community education. For the hotline call 731-5206; for sexual assault hotline, call 731-5207; for appointments and group registration, call 731-5200.

The Connecticut Coalition Against Domestic Violence provides information on domestic violence programs in Connecticut. For information call 860-282-7899.