Assuming, of course, that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’s contract hasn’t expired and he isn’t holding up Santa Claus for a $25 million-a-year deal that includes his own marketing staff and his own private sleigh, then Christmas will go off as planned this year and that’s why you have to take a look at this little sports gift guide we cooked up . . .

 

By Kim J. Harmon

Listen up – when it comes to getting a gift this Christmas for that sports fan on your list then (for their sake) try and look a little bit further than cheesy golf ball/golf club desktop pen and pencil sets, personalized golf balls, and blooper videos.

There is a lot more stuff out there . . . a lot more slightly weird stuff.

Like the Skizzo Bocce Ball game ($49.95) from Crazysportsfan.com. It’s a night version of bocce for those family picnics when the adults, instead of searching for their balls in the dark, decide to get more beer. The rules of Bocce are the same with the Skizzo – which flashes green or red – as the target ball. The other balls in this game also are weighted to one side to add a different – albeit stupider – dimension to the game.

Or, if you want that person on your Christmas list to announce to the whole world that he or she has gone utterly insane, then order an XFL Smashmouth (also from Crazysportsfan.com) t-shirt with the picture of the psycho on the front (the team is the Orlando Rage, but why should that matter?).

Now, if there is one thing a basketball fan really needs is the Twilight Basketball with the Hyperlight© high-performance LED lighting system (which pretty much means it glows in the dark). There is nothing like the incessant dribbling of the basketball to drive the neighbors crazy . . . and now it can be done all night long! Where else can you find it other than at Crazysportsfan.com?

Okay, what says Christmas better than a CD compilation of songs by Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra and Burl Ives? Well, certainly not NFL Jams or NFL Country, a pair of CDs that go for $16.97 at CDnow.com and feature National Football League players and professional singers (who were clearly threatened with beatings or some such) singing original duets.

Now, my guess is you haven’t heard hip-hop/rap done the way it should be done – especially not if you listen to NFL Jams. There is “Whatever You Want” by Curtis Conway and Michael Jackson, “Promises” by LaTocha Scott and Ray Buchanan, “Rush ‘Em Up” by DJ Hurricane with Danny Kanell and Kerry Collins, or “Is It Real?” by Faith Evans and Jeff Blake.

Being a Giants’ fan, I know Danny Kanell has little ability to be an NFL quarterback. So he must be a good singer, right?

In NFL Country, listen to the cowboy twangin’ of “Brinks Truck” by Randy Travis and Michael Strahan, “The Look of a Woman in Love” by Kevin Sharp and Ryan Leaf, and “All it Takes is All You’ve Got” by Michael Peterson and Howard Cross.

A duet with Howard Cross – go figure. And Ryan Leaf – gosh, you’d think he would be one guy who should be practicing instead of singing a country song?

Of course, if you must get something for the golfer on your list (and who doesn’t, really? Doesn’t everyone golf?) then why not get something useful like the 12 Pack Survivor Cooler from Macbirdie.com for just $29.95. It holds a 12-pack of canned beverages (and we’re not talking about Coca-Cola) for those warm, sunny rounds – or, to be truthful, also those cold, rainy rounds or those cloudy, bitterly cold rounds.

Now, if you have someone on your list who has a penchant for hurling himself at the wall for no apparent reason, then why not rent the Human Darts game from Total Rebound.com. It could be the game for him. It’s just like darts – except you don’t throw pointy things at a dart board, you throw yourself!

Players strap on a giant foam and vinyl dart with a removable hook fastener and jump at an inflatable dartboard. It looks like such fun you probably don’t even have to be blitzed to play Cricket, 301, or any other classic dart game and there seems to be little danger of stabbing any of your friends in the forehead with a sharp, pointy thing.

And for that fan of Sumo wrestling (and, come on, who isn’t a fan of sumo wrestling?) there is the Sumo Fan ($12.95 from Antcow.com), an inconspicuous seven-foot-high inflatable Sumo wrestler holding a fan (imagine the jealousy of your friends and co-workers when they see that). Toss four AA batteries (not included!) and prepare to be cooled off!

Seriously, Though

Hey, in all seriousness, there isn’t a true football fan anywhere who doesn’t get a warm fuzzy when listening to John Facenda talk about the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field or any classic moment in the history of the National Football League on one of those old NFL Films reels.

Facenda is on CD now – on 36 outstanding tracks from “The Power and the Glory,” the first nationally-distributed CD that showcases the voice of Facenda with original compositions.

According to the description of the CD, the pieces straddle the lines of jazz, classical, swing, and lounge and “appeal as much to the hipster retromusic collector as the hard-core football fanatic.” The production of the CD answered a collective call from frustrated fans who wanted to use the music for everything from their son’s Pop Warner video to their best friend’s roast – even the video of their daughter’s birth.

Emmy Award-winning composers Tom Hedden, Sam Spence, and Dave Robidoux produced the CD, which is distributed by Tommy Boy Music. There is not a football fan anywhere who wouldn’t love listening to this on the way to work in the morning.

If that’s no good, then you should probably go for the Sumo Fan.