Examining The Trials Of The Children Of Divorce

By Jan Howard

Despite even the best efforts of parents, it is not possible to protect children from the negative impacts of a divorce. Separation and divorce can be a time of turmoil and uncertainty for parents and children. However, parents can help to minimize the impact on their children, according to professionals who represent and counsel families going through divorce.

A custodial parent should allow the child to continue his/her relationship with the other parent and the other side of the family. The children need to know that nothing will change their relationship with both of their parents. The custodial parent needs to reassure the child the other parent will remain part of his/her life.

“Kids aren’t getting divorced from anybody,” attorney Sharon Wicks Dornfield said during a panel discussion on “Children and Divorce,” sponsored by the Family Counseling Center (FCC) June 25 at the C.H. Booth Library.

“You don’t lose anything by the child maintaining these relationships,” Ms Dornfield added.

Ms Dornfield is a family law attorney who is court appointed to represent children in Probate, Juvenile, and Superior courts. She was joined on the panel by Leslie L. Raider, MA, a counselor from the Family Services Unit in the Court Support Services Division of Danbury Superior Court; and Vickie Santore, LCSW, clinical director at FCC.

“Ninety percent of divorces are settled amicably,” Ms Dornfield said. “I see the plane crash cross section, the most contested, nasty divorces. It’s very interesting work, but it’s hard to see the effects on kids. I feel I’m making things better for the kids.”

Divorce is a scary situation for the parents, she said. They have turned over control of what happens in their lives to strangers. “I see people under enormous strains and stresses. They’re scared to death,” Ms Dornfield said.

People seeking a divorce need to ask questions of their attorneys, she said. “Ask us what’s going to happen next. Have us talk to you.”

It is the attorney’s job to help the couple and the children “get through this,” she said. “If your lawyer suggests you call the other side, do it.” It might result in resolving conflicts that have arisen.

Ms Dornfield noted, “There is no situation that can’t get conflicted,” such as visits to the non-custodial parent and other side of the family. “If the child is cut off from visiting the other side of the family, the situation ratchets up.” In those cases, everyone shows up with petitions for visitation rights, and a judge may order such visitations, she added.

Ms Dornfield said that even when a child sees both parents and both sides of the family, there can be problems. The child might find it difficult to shuffle between parents. “It’s not unusual to see them be reluctant to go to the other house,” she said. There could be after effects, with the child acting up when he/she comes back.

However, she noted, “Kids are pretty resilient. Take care of yourselves and your kids. It’s not possible to protect them from all negative impacts. It depends on how well the parents cooperate and how they feel loved by both sides.

 “Do the best you can. Try to make it as amicable as possible,” Ms Dornfield advised. “You do no service to make children part of the war. You have to separate your own issues from parenting.”

Ms Raider said divorces are termed civil dissolutions, but they can be anything but civil.

 “There is a mandatory 90-day waiting period before a final dissolution can be granted,” she said. During this time either party can file temporary motions regarding alimony, child support, custody, visitations, or exclusive possession of the home. These temporary motions, if approved, can last from three months to two years. “Divorces can be slow going for everyone.”

During this period, negotiations take place between the attorneys, a family counselor, and the couple. If an agreement cannot be made, the matter is referred to mediation, a way of settling disagreements about the care of the children without resorting to a courtroom battle.

There may be from one to four mediation sessions. These are goal directed, Ms Raider said. “We try to keep the parents focused on custody and support.” Mediation is a facility to open communication with the parents and for them to come up with a parental plan that best meets their needs and the needs of their children.

In some cases, such as allegations of abuse, psychiatric impairment, or other issues, mediation is not appropriate, she said. “It doesn’t work for them.”

If an agreement is unable to be reached through mediation, the family will be referred for an evaluation, Ms Raider said. The counselor is charged with what is in the best interest of the child. The counselor meets with the parents together and separately and listens to their fears and concerns.

“We get information that is necessary to make an informed recommendation,” she said. The counselor makes visits to the homes, talks to the family doctor and personnel at the children’s schools, and others, and meets with the children.

The counselor then makes an oral report as to what is recommended. If an agreement is not reached, a full written report of recommendations is sent to the court.

“We can’t give advice on what to do. We try to be helpful, but once it is at the evaluation stage, we are unable to help because we might have to testify in court,” she said.

Sometimes a settlement is made after individual interviews, Ms Raider said, but some cases are destined for trial. “No matter how badly they are hurting or the children are hurting, they want to run the gamut of the system.”

Some people feel mediation is always better, but some cases need to go to trial, she said. However, she noted, “The more they agree to, the more control they have over their own lives.

“We are asking persons to make emotional and social decisions about their children and finances. It is a provocative time for people,” Ms Raider said. “I am amazed at the level of anger that can be displayed. It is not a normal part of life. It brings out the worst in people.”

Interfacing through negotiations, mediation, and evaluation, she said, can bring some reconciliation.

If not, following a pre-trial conference, the case may be referred to a special master’s team of an attorney and mental health professional. The parties may decide to cut their losses at this point and settle, she said.

Eighty percent of cases are settled without a trial, Ms Raider said. “Only a small amount go to a full fledged trial,” she said. Once a case goes to trial, a judge has 120 days to render a decision.

The Family Counseling Center offers a six-hour parent education training class, Ms Santore said. This course is required by Public Act 93-319 for parents going through divorce and separation.

Ms Santore outlined some problems experienced by children of different age groups.

At 3 to 5 years old, children confuse reality with fantasy, and feel, if they wish hard enough, they can make it so. “They don’t understand cause and effect,” Ms Santore said, and may regress to bedwetting or have nightmares if a parent leaves. There is a fear of being abandoned.

The child must be reassured that the other parent will remain in his/her life. There must be consistency, and visitation must happen when it is supposed to, she noted.

For children ages 5 to 11, family is important, Ms Santore said. “There may be a lot of anger at one parent or another.”

She said children of this age are fearful of rejection and feel responsible for what is happening. They have anxiety about changes and fantasize about the parents getting back together.

The parents should maintain structure and routine and encourage the child’s relationship with the other parent and family.  “Let them know you feel it’s okay they do this. Give them permission to love all their family members,” she said.

Children of this age need time to adjust to changes. They need to know it is okay to express anger, she said.

At ages 12 to 15, there may be anger at disruptions in their lives. They have a lot of anxiety and of worry about the effect on peer relationships, such as if they will have to move.

“It’s an insecure age to begin with,” Ms Santore said.

The parent should promote access to the other parent, be non-judgmental, maintain child/parent roles, and promote a stable environment.

Children ages 14 to 18 are moving toward independence, Ms Santore said. “There’s anger. They’re fearful of intimacy and financial issues. They emotionally still need help in dealing with changes and losses. They are extremely reactive, and their emotions are heightened.”

Parents should provide appropriate structure. They should establish adult supports, and not make their children their support. “The children could use support. There are all types of resources and groups for kids whose parents are going through divorce,” Mrs Santore said.

Parents of teens should establish limits and boundaries and follow through. While teens should have input into custody and visitation, the final decision is still with the parents or judge, she said.

Ms Santore said the center sees cases that are not easy, particularly in cases of sexual or physical abuse.

She reemphasized the importance of the child having permission to love both parents. “You need to recognize that the kids will have a relationship with the other parent all their lives.”