By Kim J. Harmon

I have a problem – I want to get a football for my son for Christmas.

Okay okay, it doesn’t sound like a problem, does it? Just go down to the toy store and pick one out that was stamped with the signature of Randy Moss or Kordell Stewart or any other of the hip dudes ruling the National Football League, right?

Wrong.

I have choices to make, man. Lots and lots of choices.

Do I get a real football with a Randy Moss signature of a real football with a Kordell Stewart signature?

Do I get a real football or a Nerf © football?

Do I get the real Nerf © football or the fake Nerf © football that is almost like a Nerf © football but not almost enough to bring on a lawsuit?

Do I get the fake Nerf © football that is smooth and spongy or do I get the fake Nerf © football that has the hard, outer-shell coating?

Do I get the fake Nerf © football with the hard, outer-shell coating that has the simulated laces on the front or do I get the fake Nerf © football with the hard, outer-shell coating and the little finger grooves that are supposed to teach a young kid how to throw a football?

Do I get the fake Nerf © football with the hard, outer-shell coating and the little finger grooves that are supposed to teach a young kid how to throw a football or do I realize that those finger grooves were not sized by any human child and get a mini-sized football?

Do I get the mini-sized football made out of real (or simulated, who can tell?) pigskin or do I get the mini-sized Nerf © -like football?

Do I get the mini-sized Nerf © -like football or do I abandon all hope of choosing something that actually resembles a real football and get the mini-sized soft football with the tail assembly on the back designed to not only make the actual ball uglier, but fly further?

Do I get the mini-sized soft football with the tail assembly on the back designed to not only make the ball uglier, but fly further, or do I streamline the whole thing and get the larger Vortex © ball with the tail assembly on the back that John Elway says I can throw 110 yards but, in actuality, I can only throw about 65 yards?

Do I streamline the whole thing and get the larger Vortex © ball with the tail assembly on the back that John Elway says I can throw 110 yards but, in actuality, I can only throw about 65 yards or do I get really whacked and get him that football that screeches when you throw it even though I can think of no earthly reason why it should?

Another problem is, if I can manage to pick a football, then my sister-in-law (from down there in the south) wants to get him a helmet.

But does she get him a Mississippi State helmet or an Ole Miss helmet even though I, for years, thought they were the same team?

Does she get him an Ole Miss helmet or an Alabama helmet even though he doesn’t know - nor would he care - that Paul “Bear”_Bryant was one of the best college football coaches ever?

Does she get him an Alabama helmet even though he doesn’t know that Paul “Bear”_Bryant was one of the best college football coaches ever or does she get him a New Orleans Saints’ helmet which nobody in Louisiana or Mississippi – or anywhere else for that matter – with any self respect would wear but would look good on a seven-year-old kid who doesn’t know any better?

Shoot, I’ll just get him a video game. I mean, what the heck am I thinking anyway - no one plays football outside anymore, do they?

But do I get him Madden 2000 which is graphically nice and true to the realism of the game or do I get NFL Extreme 2 which is graphically nice but also graphic in the sense of being violent and abusive with no socially-redeemed value whatsoever?

Do I get NFL Extreme 2 which is graphically nice but also graphic in the sense of being violent and abusive with no socially-redeemed value whatsoever or do I get NFL Gameday 2000 which is not as nice, graphically, as Madden 2000 but a lot more fun to play?

Do I get NFL Gameday 2000 which is not as nice, graphically, as Madden 2000 but a lot more fun to play or do I get NFL Quarterback Club which is not as nice, graphically, as any of those games but has the arcade feel to allow a kid to pile up some really gaudy statistics?

Do I get NFL Quarterback Club which is not as nice, graphically, as any of those games but has the arcade feel to allow a kid to pile up some really gaudy statistics or do I get NFL Blitz 2000 which has a passing resemblance to football only in the fact that there is a football on the screen and most of the players weigh 500 pounds?

Gosh, there are just too many choices.

Maybe I’ll get him a basketball instead. He likes basketball a lot.

But do I get him the normal orange basketball that every normal kid in American grew up with or do I get one of those hip-hop street basketballs with the funky black and orange and purple coloring?

Do I get one of those hip-hop street basketballs with the funky black and orange and purple coloring that are normal-sized or do I get one of those hip-hop street basketballs with the funky black and orange and purple coloring that are for smaller kids?

Do I get one of those real hip-hop street basketballs with the funky black and orange and purple coloring that are for smaller kids or do I get a Nerf © basketball?

Do I get the nearly regulation-sized Nerf © basketball or the smaller Nerf © basketball that can fit in the palm of his hand so he can jump off his bunk bed and do slam dunks in his bedroom?

Do I get the smaller Nerf © basketball that can fit in the palm of his hand so he can jump off his bunk bed and do slam dunks in his bedroom are do I take a $20 bill out of my wallet and stick it in an envelope so the kid can pick out his own darn Christmas present?

Yep - $20 it is.