By Kim J. Harmon

Now that Alex Rodriguez has just signed a 10-year, $252 million contract with the Texas Rangers (which is, incidentally, probably more than the team is actually worth) I figure he can dole out a few nifty Christmas presents my way.

I mean, shoot, the interest alone on $25.2 million a year comes to something like $756,000 (that is, if he were stupid enough to put it in a simple-interest bank account and not some money market deal).

Can’t I get some of that?

To give A-Rod some ideas, I went to that ol’ standard – The Twelve Days of Christmas.

 

On the first day of Christmas,

My A-Rod gave to me,

A mansion with a pear tree.

 

On the second day of Christmas,

My A-Rod gave to me,

Two private jets

And a mansion with a pear tree.

 

On the third day of Christmas,

My A-Rod gave to me,

Three sky boxes,

Two private jets

And a mansion with a pear tree.

 

On the fourth day of Christmas,

My A-Rod gave to me,

Four S-U-Vs,

Three sky boxes,

Two private jets

And a mansion with a pear tree.

 

On the fifth day of Christmas,

My A-Rod gave to me,

Five golden gloves,

Four S-U-Vs,

Three sky boxes,

Two private jets

And a mansion with a pear tree.

 

On the sixth day of Christmas,

My A-Rod gave to me,

Six red Camaros,

Five golden gloves,

Four S-U-Vs,

Three sky boxes,

Two private jets

And a mansion with a pear tree.

 

On the seventh day of Christmas,

My A-Rod gave to me,

Seven Guards-a-Body,

Six red Camaros,

Five golden gloves,

Four S-U-Vs,

Three sky boxes,

Two private jets

And a mansion with a pear tree.

 

On the eighth day of Christmas,

My A-Rod gave to me,

Eight classy billboards,

Seven Guards-a-Body,

Six red Camaros,

Five golden gloves,

Four S-U-Vs,

Three sky boxes,

Two private jets

And a mansion with a pear tree.

 

On the ninth day of Christmas,

My A-Rod gave to me,

Nine Rolex watches,

Eight classy billboards,

Seven Guards-a-Body,

Six red Camaros,

Five golden gloves,

Four S-U-Vs,

Three sky boxes,

Two private jets

And a mansion with a pear tree.

 

On the tenth day of Christmas,

My A-Rod gave to me,

Ten trips to Ireland,

Nine Rolex watches,

Eight classy billboards,

Seven Guards-a-Body,

Six red Camaros,

Five golden gloves,

Four S-U-Vs,

Three sky boxes,

Two private jets

And a mansion with a pear tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,

My A-Rod gave to me,

Eleven agents whining,

Ten trips to Ireland,

Nine Rolex watches,

Eight classy billboards,

Seven Guards-a-Body,

Six red Camaros,

Five golden gloves,

Four S-U-Vs,

Three sky boxes,

Two private jets

And a mansion with a pear tree.

 

On the twelvth day of Christmas,

My A-Rod gave to me,

Twelve chic restaurants,

Eleven agents whining,

Ten trips to Ireland,

Nine Rolex watches,

Eight classy billboards,

Seven Guards-a-Body,

Six red Camaros,

Five golden gloves,

Four S-U-Vs,

Three sky boxes,

Two private jets

And a mansion with a pear tree.

Now, I have added all of that up and I tried to be conservative with some estimates, not figuring in what the shipping or handling or sales tax on 22 private jets might be, and the grand total only came to $62,156,380.

The private jets alone came to $44 million (just rental). The next biggest expense was the 30 sky boxes (presumably one at each major league ballpark), which came to just $3 million.

So, that $62 million is for 12 restaurants ($100,000 each), 22 agents (who get 3% each), 30 trips to Ireland ($3,000 a crack), 36 Rolex watches ($7,500 apiece), 40 billboards ($80,000 a month), 42 bodyguards ($50,000 each), 42 Camaros ($30,000 each), 40 golden gloves ($5,000 each), 36 sports utility vehicles ($35,000 each - not counting gas), 30 sky boxes around the major leagues ($100,000 each), 22 private jets ($2 million each), and 12 mansions ($500,000 a crack), each with a new pear tree ($500 each).

Now, take that $62 million from the original $252 million and A-Rod will still have enough to buy is own country or something. Maybe Canada?

But, in this season of Christmas cheer and hope and whatever, it is sad to say that even with the $190 million he would have left, A-Rod still won’t be able to buy a World Series ring.

Not in Texas anyway.

Sorry buddy.