Middle-Aged Women: Facing Crisis, Finding Fulfillment

By Nancy K. Crevier

Is it crisis or opportunity? Is it the beginning of the end or just a new beginning? For many women, the years between 40 and 60 are a time of soul-searching and introspection. It can be a time of overindulgence for short-term satisfaction or it can be a time of metamorphosis and renewal.

In Newtown, book clubs, writing groups, and social issues groups abound, many peopled by women in their midyears. Book talks and events focused on renewing spiritual and creative energies attract mostly women, and most of the women are seeking. Some know what they are seeking, some are curious to find what they are seeking, and some are not certain what they seek, but all are aware that change is around them in subtle or profound ways.

“Life is deep moments of pain and anguish followed by resolve,” says Ruth Schofield, a marriage and family therapist for 20 years. She sees many middle-aged women in her Newtown practice who are looking to explore their lives, careers, marriages, and relationships. This introspection is best expressed by something her own “fortyish” daughter shared with her, says Ms Schofield. “She said, ‘Midlife keeps changing because we don’t want to face that life is half over. This is about death.’”

For a woman with children, the realization that her children no longer need her in the same way can trigger feelings of imbalance, as can a brush with a life-threatening illness or the shift in relationship with her own aging parents. She may find herself reassessing her marriage and wondering what mark she will leave on the world.

“People out of balance are looking to restore balance,” Ms Schofield says. “If you’re hungry, you find food. If you’re lonely, you resolve that loneliness. Women may make a new shift at this point in life.”

Kathryn Krecker, another marriage and family therapist with a practice in Sandy Hook, says seeking change is common at this stage of life. “Children are grown, the end is in sight. Women anticipate it somewhat and they are looking for meaning in their lives,” she says. “Raising kids or working doesn’t leave a lot of time for thinking, so as children become more independent, there is time to look for meaning, to look for connections. The perspective on time is shifting and there may be a sense of urgency.”

The majority of women will look for a way to do what women do best: share and listen. “Some of the normal things a woman might do is to go into groups. Women are gatherers. As women, we tend to find a good medium and take out of it what we want,” Ms Schofield observes.

The director of adult programs at the C.H. Booth Library in Newtown, Kim Weber, sees much evidence of this in the participation at the library. All events held at the library are open to both men and women, but whether it is a morning, afternoon, or evening program, the attendees are mainly women, and mainly women of middle age. A program offered by a woman will attract almost exclusively women, too, she has noticed, and the energy at these programs is notably different from those made up of men and women, or just men.

She has observed that regularly held events create a sense of community and bonding among the women who attend, sometimes becoming much more than the original intention. “They almost become support groups,” Ms Weber notes, and adds, “We have had book clubs and writing groups actually break away from the library. They no longer want to add to their numbers, or need to grow.”

Midlife is a normal part of the life cycle and it may well be that very life cycle that pushes midlife women to change. Lynn Buttner, a licensed clinical social worker who has worked privately with clients and with Catholic Family Services, has had the opportunity to work with women in crisis.

“Women have a specific physical midlife — menopause — and often that is a time when we reassess what’s the next step. There’s an awareness that life does change.”

Reexamination At Midlife

A particular crisis, such as illness or an aging parent, might bring women into therapy, she says, but as they begin to explore the crisis, they become aware they are in a midlife reexamination of their own life path. “Midlife,” Ms Buttner says, “is a time where a woman can say ‘Stress has driven my life up to this point and it’s time to reevaluate.’”

Reevaluation may take the form of creative expression: painting, drawing, sewing, quilting, sculpting, or writing. A woman may find satisfaction in reaching out to others through volunteer work and social activities or groups. Others find that physical release helps them to attain a serene place in life.

Says Ms Krecker, “If women have put all of their energy into raising a family, with no outside outlet, they might feel more the physical aspect of aging. They can get stuck in thinking about themselves, and don’t know what to do next.”

Physical changes affect mental outlook. Middle-aged women feel frustrated when their aging bodies no longer respond as quickly or adeptly as they once did. Agility and balance are two areas in which Karen Finlayson, a fitness trainer and owner of Karen’s Fitness Studio on South Main Street in Newtown, sees women looking to improve their proficiency. The average age of her clients is between 50 and 60 years old, she says, and they are not there to become the next Demi Moore.

“The goal of most women is the quality of life, not just to look good,” she claims. “Increasing muscle mass, burning fat, lowering cholesterol are the concerns of the women who attend classes.”

Her clients meet twice a week in groups of about seven, and what Ms Finlayson finds amazing, is the amount of bonding that the women experience. “Every group has its own personality, but the women get to know each other. Every session is a lot of sharing. There’s the common bond of the fitness thing,” she notices, “and then they build on it.”

As a result of fitness training and, she believes, the sharing that goes on, women leave the studio relieved of stress and with a positive energy that enables them to make changes in other areas of their lives. “They walk taller,” she says, “with more confidence and they feel good about themselves.”

Feeling good about oneself can be a walk on the tightwire when a relationship is involved. For married women, the challenge is finding the balance with her new idea of herself and her relationship with a husband who is probably not going through the same introspective period that she is experiencing. This can cause hurt, frustration, and confusion for both partners.

“Awareness of the differences is crucial in the relationship,” Ms Buttner says. “It is important to have different agendas, but to have a commonality, as well.”

Says Ms Schofield, “What I try to do is to keep the couple growing, help them keep up with the evolution of each other. Just because a marriage is going through transition doesn’t necessarily mean a marriage is going to dissolve.” A transition time may actually give men more of a chance to become involved in family relationships and home life. She believes it can give some men more of a sense of freedom, when their partner begins to grow and explore herself in a productive manner.

Inner Revitalization

Pamela Hochstetter is a graduate of Yale University Divinity School and owns Inner Art in Bridgewater, where she offers inner revitalization through process painting. She has taught workshops in Newtown and surrounding towns, assisting people in unlocking their creative spirit. She offers guidance to many middle-aged women who are working through new life choices and changes, and sees the upheaval it can cause in relationships.

“When women are going ‘deep sea diving’ and coming up with ‘treasures,’ it can cause problems,” she has noticed, but emphasizes, “When one person changes in a relationship, it can be beneficial, if there is sharing. There will be reverberations when change is going on.” 

The choices made are not always positive. Excessive shopping, exercise, food consumption, or an increased reliance on alcohol or drugs, as well as extra-marital affairs may be the salves applied to the open wounds of middle age. Accessing online pornography is another coping mechanism for women unable to identify the anxiety they are experiencing in middle age. A woman who reacts negatively to midlife stress, however, frequently is a person who has always reacted negatively to change.

Even what appears on the surface to be a positive outlet for newfound time can be a signal of imbalance in a person’s life, says Ms Schofield. “For example, if a marriage is not working, the woman may start volunteering more and more or become overly involved in her grown children’s lives. They need to make a new shift.”

 Ms Krecker observes, “The children are launched, a woman may reassess her marriage, aging parents come into the picture. There is an adult relationship to develop with the children, and all of these can cause stress. Some cope with it better than others.”

It is during these middle years that single women, too, begin to question where they are at, what they have accomplished, and where they want to be down the road. If work has been the driving force in their lives, at the middle juncture of their life they may want to find time for play or to branch out into more meaningful involvement in the world around them.

While evolving marriages and children growing up and away may not be issues for single women, they are not immune to other midlife crises. Menopause, unexpected illness, aging parents, and workplace dissatisfaction are a shared commonality. It is not so much a creative side stifled by family obligations that they need to explore, but middle-aged single women may begin to question the path they chose and find some amount of discomfort in this self-exploration.

“All of us are growing, maturing, and changing; so who is exempt?” asks Ms Hochstetter. “Single women are looking at their accomplishments and looking toward the end, too.”

Whether middle life is a crisis or a transitional period can hinge on a woman’s position on the economic ladder in life. When putting food on the table, supplying basic clothing needs, and making ends meet is a day-to-day challenge, the prospect of meaningful change can seem like an unrealistic luxury. Because of unfavorable economic factors, a woman may stay in crisis, frustrated by a lack of opportunity and unable to see the small steps they can take toward change.

“Middle and upper class people are more apt to reevaluate [their lives],” observes Ms Krecker. “Working class people don’t always have the luxury of reevaluating. This time in life isn’t different for them.”

For those women facing economic challenges who recognize the desire for change and are motivated to reevaluate their lives, Ms Buttner suggests an acknowledgement of what she calls “mini achievements. Name your goal, your dream,” she says, as a first step to reassessment. “Then take a baby step toward an achievable goal.” It might not be possible to quit work and become the next Picasso, but the purchase of a sketchpad and the commitment to drawing in it each day is a feasible task. Going back to school fulltime can be far too costly for those on a tight budget, but making time for free classes offered in the community or taking just one class at a time are examples of the baby steps that turn to strides toward a happier future.

Ms Buttner believes that women are born seekers. “We’re emotionally more into change and new experiences or emotional challenges. Know there will be many steps,” she says, “but think big. Find something that will bring you happiness on the journey to that venue.”

“Call it a midlife evolution, metamorphosis, or a midlife revolution,” muses Ms Hochstetter. “It’s all completely natural. Everything in nature changes and so do we.”