Date: Fri 20-Aug-1999

Publication: Bee

Author: JAN

Quick Words:

Compassionate-Friends-death

Full Text:

Compassionate Friends Help Families Cope With The Ultimate Loss

(with photo)

BY JAN HOWARD

Two Danbury women who have experienced a parent's worst nightmare are now

helping members of other families work through their grief.

In May of 1998, Amanda Jurgensmier and Marci Kass founded the Danbury chapter

of The Compassionate Friends (TCF), an international self-help group that

offers friendship and understanding to bereaved families following the death

of a child.

"It's a club you don't want to join because the dues are too high," Mrs Kass

said last week.

In 1996, the two women found they had a lot of things in common. They came

from the same area in northwest Connecticut and now live only a mile away from

each other. Their sons went to the same school and rode the same bus. The boys

even shared a name. Jason Scott Jurgensmier was 10, and Scott Jordan Kass was

12.

"We met at a PTO meeting. We had no idea we'd meet someplace else in an all

different way," Mrs Jurgensmier said.

The two women share the pain of the death of a child.

On July 5, 1996, Jason Jurgensmier, an only child, died suddenly of viral

myocarditis, a virus that attacks the heart without any warning. He died

instantly.

On September 6, 1996, Scott Kass died from injuries sustained after being hit

by a car while riding his bicycle.

Every year in the United States 145,000 infants, children, teenagers, and

young adults die.

The death of a child at any age is a shattering experience for a family.

Members of the family must find their way through a long process of healing.

Support and understanding at this time are critical. This is where TCF can

help.

"A lot of people don't know what to do for people who have lost a child," Mrs

Jurgensmier said.

While everyone grieves in a different way, other parents who have experienced

the death of a child can offer understanding and support, she said.

Following Jason's death, Mrs Jurgensmier and her husband, Jeff, attended a

general bereavement group and went for grief counseling.

However, Mrs Jurgensmier said, "We needed a group specifically for people who

have lost a child."

A friend told her about TCF. The closest group at the time was in Waterbury,

but she and her husband attended every month.

"There is no doubt about it," that the meetings helped them, she said. "People

are at all stages in their grief. They lost children at different ages. Losing

a child, no matter what their age, is still the worst loss. It was good to see

people who were able to keep going. My life as I knew it ended when Jason

died.

She said all the things she always did with her son "disappeared from my life.

I didn't have a reason to keep going. Seeing others who were able to find hope

and rebuild their lives gave us hope we could do that, too."

When she heard of Scott's death, Mrs Jurgensmier brought Mrs Kass information

about TCF, and they sat and talked, though Mrs Kass does not remember much of

the visit.

"I knew I wasn't ready. I didn't get back to her until winter. I went months

later to a meeting," Mrs Kass said.

Debbie DeLollis of Newtown said The Compassionate Friends helped tremendously

following the death of her son, Keith, three years ago in an automobile

accident in Massachusetts where he was attending college.

Mrs DeLollis was living in Illinois at the time, and, although she heard about

TCF, she did nothing about it at the time.

When her family moved here, she saw an article about the group in a local

newspaper and went to her first meeting. "It did take me two and a half years

to get around to going. I was just not ready to go. When I saw the article, I

was ready to deal with it," she said.

"When I'm at a meeting, it's comforting to know people have gone through the

same thing," Mrs DeLollis said. Grieving family members go through various

stages. They think they are the only people who have ever had to deal with

such loss. It is easier to deal with when people understand. They are not

going to feel awkward; they will let you cry. "This one monthly meeting is to

stay in touch with my child," Mrs DeLollis said. "You never expect to lose

your children. When you do, you lose a little of your future."

Everyday experiences can be heartbreaking ones for parents who have lost a

child. "Seeing boys with their fathers at the mall was overwhelming," Mrs Kass

said. Mrs Jurgensmier said people take a lot of things for granted. "I never

dreamed I would lose Jason. The idea that a child dies is unacceptable. It

still is unbelievable. There are days when you know you are here, and they're

not. The grief will be with us forever."

"It's a parent's worst nightmare. You don't think it can happen to you," Mrs

Kass said.

"At The Compassionate Friends we try and give people some kind of hope that we

will move through the process together," she said. "There is no right way of

doing it. We offer hope and understanding."

Mrs Jurgensmier said she found it hard to go down the cereal aisle in a

supermarket. For Mrs Kass, it was a department store. "I had an overwhelming

feeling of remembrance. I never went back again."

"You realize how fragile life is," Mrs Jurgensmier said. But the death of a

child, "goes against the natural order of things," she added.

Mrs Jurgensmier wanted to start a local group of TCF, but she did not want to

do it herself. She asked Mrs Kass to help.

Since then, the group has grown in size. "There is definitely a need," Mrs

Jurgensmier said. "When I hear of the death of a child, my first thought is

`How are those parents doing?'"

"It's a big thing for parents to come to a meeting and talk about their child.

It may be the only place they may be able to do that," Mrs Kass said.

"Memories bring our child back to us," she said. "This is our way of doing

something in our children's memory, helping other people. We need it as much

as others do."

Mrs Jurgensmier said, "The group helps us. We're early on in our grief, but

we're further along than others. We're still living."

"You have to go through the grief, and take all the things that go along with

it," Mrs Kass said. "If you have suppressed grief and are immersed in work,

the grief comes back later."

During the monthly meeting, "People are encouraged to talk about how they

feel," Mrs Kass said.

A core group of about eight to ten people attend the TCF meeting each month.

There are 24 on the group's mailing list. There is no fee to belong.

A topic is presented for discussion at each meeting, and the members always

have something to share or might need help with a problem, Mrs Kass said.

Activities, such as starting a memory book or sharing pictures of happier

times, and special events, such as a balloon release and candle lightings, are

offered.

On the second Sunday in December, Children's Memorial Day, there is an

international day of recognition for children who have died. At 7 pm in every

time zone, candles will be lit.

The death of a child is "so overwhelming," Mrs Kass said. "It's the worst

thing I've ever had happen to me. I feel a certain invincibility.

"People's lives are changed after," she went on. "There are little parts of

life you notice that you didn't before. Life has changed profoundly for the

rest of our lives. There are times we say we appreciate something we wouldn't

have before. What's really important is your family, your children, and your

friends and the love you have for people."

Mrs Kass, who is divorced, has a daughter, Alison. In December, Mr and Mrs

Jurgensmier went to China to adopt Madeline, who is now 18 months old.

Mrs Jurgensmier said, "Madeline gives me a reason to get up in the morning.

She is just full of life."

The Danbury Chapter of The Compassionate Friends will hold its regular monthly

meeting on Wednesday, August 25, at 7 pm at the Danbury United Methodist

Church on Clapboard Ridge Road (Route 39).

For more information about the group and its meetings, call 203/797-8996.