Early Preparation Eases ‘Empty Nest’ Transition

By Nancy K. Crevier

Life is a series of transitions. Babies grow into children, and children become young adults. Young adults enter the work force and workers change careers. People move. Love is gained and love is lost. Parents age. Marriage or the commitment to another creates another period of transition, and often the cycle is renewed through parenthood.

When children enter young adulthood and begin their own journeys it is a time of transition not only for them, but also for the so-called “empty nesters” left behind. How that transition plays out differs from parent to parent. For some, it is a time of celebration in having helped their children reach independence, for some it is a time of reflection, for others it is a time of deep sadness.

“First of all,” said life coach Stefanie Palermo Lagana of Expanding Your Visions, “parents have been so focused on spending time with their kids that this is a real change. Now, there’s no one home, and it’s time to find activities they are interested in. Parents’ needs have been put on the back burner for so many years, that it can be difficult to put the focus back on the relationship as a couple, or as an individual.”

For some parents, having the final or only child out of the home for the majority of the year is an opportunity to return to work, or to upgrade a part-time job into a full-time job, said Ms Palermo Lagana. It is important, she said, for parents to have some kind of a plan to fill the newly emptied space in the days and evenings. New empty nesters may find that meal times are especially hard, at first, as are the evening hours that were filled with school activities or even quiet family time together.

“Delineate that time,” she said. “Parents need to reorganize the thought process. Join a book club, set aside time to spend with your spouse. Act on those plans,” she urged, in order to keep moving forward.

It is not necessary to pretend that a child is not missed, however, said Ms Palermo Lagana. “It’s healthy to be ‘on call’ the first couple of weeks, but set up guidelines. Stay in communication,” she said. Care packages are a nice way to stay connected with children. “It lets them know that you are thinking of them, but you are not interfering,” she added.

Nor should parents be concerned if they are not experiencing great feelings of sadness or doubt. “That’s a wonderful thing. It says that as parents, you feel you have done a good job preparing yourselves and your children to be independent and to experience life,” Ms Palermo Lagana said.

“I’m almost a little bored,” admitted Connie Sullivan. She and her husband, Jim, have two daughters. Kate is a senior at Notre Dame in Indiana, and Kelly started school at Marist College in Poughkeepsie, N.Y., the last week in August. “Our kids’ events were our social network,” said Ms Sullivan, “and with all good intentions over the last few years, working full time I never really cultivated the social friendships. The work week would go by so quickly, and then it seemed the weekend was absorbed in the girls’ activities.”

Now, she said, she is making a greater effort to attend community events, plan ahead, and reconnect with friends who are also experiencing the “empty nest.”

“We just made general plans,” said Mr Sullivan, “and hope to get in touch more now with friends. Between the two of us, we did a good job in preparing the girls to where they are now, and I’m not too worried about us.”

The Sullivans are looking forward to dinner parties, and the possibilities of weekend trips. “We never had a weekend free, it seemed, with all of the girls’ activities,” Mr Sullivan said.

Setting Goals

With their oldest son, Tony, preparing this summer to move into a new apartment, June and Tony Gallucci had some distraction from the fact that their youngest, Ricky, would be off to the University of Vermont this fall for his freshman year. “I thought it would be bad. I would look at Ricky and just cry, but my anticipation of the total empty nest was really worse than it has turned out to be,” said Ms Gallucci.

Mothering is a job she has totally enjoyed, and she loved the activity of the boys’ events on weekends, Ms Gallucci said. So with her husband frequently working nights and weekends at their restaurant, Nick’s Restaurant and Catering in Danbury, mealtime can be a challenge now for her on her own.

She has set goals, though, including looking for a job and returning to school to get her bachelor’s degree, and looks to others in the same situation for support. “Four months ago, too, I bought Chicken Soup for the Empty Nesters’ Soul, and it was a fun book to get me going. I could relate to a lot of the stories,” she said.

What has helped ease these early weeks the most, though, said Ms Gallucci, is knowing that both of their sons are happy where they are. “That makes me happy,” she said.

Drs Robert and Diane Wenick agree that knowing that their youngest child, Adam, is happy this fall at Hamilton College in New York eases the transition. The Wenicks also have an older daughter, Alana, a senior at UConn. “The most important thing is that both our kids are in good places and are happy, that is of utmost importance. We did think a lot about the changes we would make [with both Adam and Alana away at school] and having more adventures on the weekends was a large part of what we thought about,” said Dr Diane Wenick. “Since we both work long hours there was often guilt associated with taking time away for ourselves and now that has definitely changed.” There was certainly sadness associated with the change for a few days, said the Wenicks, but now they think of their lifestyle as a new adventure.

“The other day I was in Target and saw all the mothers with their kids going for back to school supplies. I looked around and instead of getting sad I thought, ‘Been there, done that.’ I am really happy with the results and no regrets,” Dr Wenick said.

Cutting The Cord

Kathy and Jody Grose have taken a somewhat more aggressive approach to the empty nest. That is because the Newtown couple this summer sent not one, but both of their children off to college. The parents of twins, Sarah and Tucker, said that going from two lively children in the house to none has been a huge adjustment.

“I thought about it for the last year, often with trepidation and growing sadness,” said Mr Grose, who teaches special education in Westport and is a counselor. “It was pretty emotional for me. Part of that defining moment of the kids going off brings up questions like ‘Are they ready?’ There was an awareness that there was still more I wanted to teach them,” he said.

What the couple decided to do was to perform a “cutting the cord” ceremony late this summer. They invited friends from out of town who were also sending twins off to school, and parents and the young people literally cut a cord binding all of them together. “When we were ready,” explained Ms Grose, “we cut the cord, telling the kids what we were letting go of: how we were taking care of them. Now we see them as young adults, not children. It was very impacting on the adults,” she said, “and the kids understood how important it was to us. It took care of a lot of the emotion that we would have glommed onto them when we dropped them off,” she said.

The ceremony was a very healing and reassuring moment for him, said Mr Grose.

Along with individual pursuits, such as Ms Grose’s artwork, the couple has also made plans for their newfound time together. “In preparation, we played games of ‘What are you looking forward to?’ and made it a point to talk. It’s important to maintain that couple connection early on — make dates, do things together before the kids go,” Mr Grose said. The couple is also planning an empty nester party in celebration of the great work they have done creating great kids. “I’m a big believer in ritual and ceremony to help with transitions,” he said.

Even those who witness the separation of parents and children year after year are not immune to the impact when it affects them personally. Michael Hogan, president of the University of Connecticut, said that he and his wife, Virginia, have sent four children off to college. “So we know first-hand how parents — and siblings! — feel when they leave their daughter or son off at the dormitory. After a hectic day of moving furniture into the room, looking for a place to eat, trying to find an extension cord that was forgotten at home, that ‘Well, this is it!’ moment is bittersweet,” said President Hogan. He is an advocate of parents and students taking advantage early on of orientation programs. Preparatory programs allow families to enter college life in gradual steps, he said. “This makes that empty car ride back home a little easier, because everyone’s been actively thinking about it,” said Mr Hogan. School events that bring the families back together on occasion can serve as something for everyone to look forward to, as well.

Whether fathers and mothers experience the empty nest syndrome differently is something that cannot be predicted, said Judy O’Callaghan, clinical director of Newtown Youth & Family Services. “It depends on the dynamics within the family, and the individual parent/child relationship,” she said. “Sometimes parents are surprised at the depth of emotion they feel [at this transitional time].”

Staying In Touch

And like the individual relationship, the use of technology to stay in touch can be good or bad, Ms O’Callaghan said. “Technology, especially cellphones, does make it easier for parents and students when the child goes away. Even away, a child still looks for guidance, and with technology that is easier. But there is a danger of staying too involved,” she cautioned, a syndrome known as “helicopter parenting.”

The smaller milestones along the way as a child grows up should be the moments when couples start preparing for the empty nest, suggested Ms O’Callaghan. “There’s a lot of time to think when the house is empty, and that’s where couples run into problems. Kids at home can cover up marital problems. It’s important to nurture the couple relationship all along,” she said.

Whether a father or a mother, initial feelings of anxiety and sadness are normal when a child leaves home, added Ms O’Callaghan. Sadness that does not go away, a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, sleeping too much or too little, and crying that does not stop, however, are all signs that professional help should be sought.

“Start preparing for this change,” she said, “when baby takes that first step away from you.”