Effective Support For Suicide Survivors Inspires Many Left Behind To Service
This is the second part of a series of reports during National Suicide Prevention Month.
On the one-year anniversary of her father’s suicide September 5, Zelda Williams posted a brief message on the social network site Instagram to all her fellow survivors, and to those who, like her dad, suffer silently with chronic depression.
“I came to a realization this year that I feel compelled to share here, for whomsoever may need it: Avoiding fear, sadness or anger is not the same thing as being happy,” shared the daughter of the late actor and comedian Robin Williams. “I live my sadness every day, but I don’t resent it anymore. Instead, I do it now so that the wonderful moments of joy I do find are not in order to forget, but to inhabit and enjoy for their own sake.”
She freely admitted that it’s not easy.
“I’d say it takes much more effort to consciously do than it does to just stay sad, but with all my heart, I cannot tell you how worth it it is. And for those suffering from depression, I know how dark and endless that tunnel can feel, but if happiness seems impossible to find, please hold on to the possibility of hope, faint though it may be,” she concluded.
For survivors of suicide like Ms Williams, coping is a conscious choice, and one that may come immediately or even months, years, or decades after the loss. But those who are looking for guidance, an empathetic ear, or an outlet for their grief have myriad resources dedicated to helping them — often inspiring survivors to some form of volunteerism or service to support others left behind.
At the Healing Hearts Center for Grief and Loss in Danbury, Joanna DeNicola reminds any individuals or families of suicide victims that they can get support from social workers, trained volunteers, and other grieving people. Their family-friendly space within the new Regional Hospice and Home Care facility, and their compassionate, professionally trained facilitators create a welcoming environment for individuals and families.
According to the agency website, Healing Hearts is the only program of its kind to service Western Connecticut and nearby New York and is solely funded by donations. Many of their grief support groups are open-ended, so that people can attend as long as they need to, since the duration and intensity of grief are unique for each individual, as is the type of grief someone is experiencing.
Healing Hearts Project Coordinator Ellen Maron explained that all individuals coming to their agency to participate in their suicide survivors support program receive a one-on-one intake interview — there is no requirement to have health insurance coverage and never a fee for services.
“This is not a drop-in type of group,” she said. Twice monthly support sessions are hosted.
While September is National Suicide Prevention Month, November 21 marks International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day. On that day, Healing Hearts will be among hundreds of sites across the nation hosting a one-time gathering, where they hope survivors can find comfort and gain understanding as they share stories of healing and hope.
“And if they don’t want to come in or be part of the group in person, they can do it from home or another location by computer,” Ms Maron said. “This event is designed to brings survivors together who may not want, or may be tentative about joining some sort of regular support group — or are in similar mind frame.”
A Protective Cove
Mary Anderson, executive director of The Cove in Meriden, said her agency is uniquely equipped to support children and younger family members coping with the suicide of a loved one or peer.
The Cove provides family- and school-based programs utilizing the peer support group concept for helping children, teens, and families work with their unresolved grief due to the death of someone significant in their lives. The agency also provides professional development and training for adults working with children and teens.
Their family-based peer-support programs are held during a 20-week period between September and June at each of Connecticut’s Coves, including one in neighboring Easton. Ms Anderson said that intervention is evaluated on a case-by-case basis because support might vary depending on the age or emotional condition of each child served.
“It’s a very difficult subject and we have a lot of families impacted at our center,” she said. “Many times we find that parents don’t want to discuss suicide with children in order to protect them — but eventually it has to be addressed. It can also create a difficult time in school because they want to recognize a suicide victim but don’t want to look like they are glorifying what they did.
At The Cove, professionals help children, youths, and teens memorialize their lost loved one, while creating an understanding about suicide, and educating them on the destructive potential of the act.
“We address the aftereffects, coming to terms with the loss and provide a safe place to talk about and remember a loved one or friend — as well as providing appropriate education in a healthy environment,” Ms Anderson said. “A lot of times they’re just looking for a place to put their feelings. We recognize it’s also a disruptive act within their community. We hope to create a place for these young people to be able to talk about the person they lost without necessarily introducing any discussion about [the clinical nature of]how their peer or loved one died.”
Drop-In Support
Volunteers trained through the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) conduct a monthly drop-in session for survivors the third Monday of each month at 7:30 pm at Christ and Holy Trinity Church Mackenzie House, 59 Myrtle Avenue in Westport.
Since becoming president of the state AFSP chapter, Yanya Padilla said she has seen groups like the one her organization hosts help turn survivors into an extremely caring and effective support network themselves.
“Many survivors become involved in suicide prevention,” Ms Padilla said. “We offer all sorts of prevention and intervention training — as well as grants to cover trainer fees and resources for nonprofit, church, or community organizations that want to host their own local support groups.”
A fact sheet supplied by the American Association of Suicidology serves as a reminder of the devastating toll suicide takes on survivors and friends left behind:
*Edwin Shneidman, PhD, AAS founding president, notes that survivors of suicide represent “the largest mental health casualties related to suicide.”
*There are currently more than 41,100 suicides annually in the United States.
*It is estimated that for every suicide there are at least six survivors. (Some suicidologists believe this to be a very conservative estimate.)
*Based on this estimate, approximately six million Americans became survivors of suicide in the last 25 years.
The agency affirms that, at times, especially if the loved one had a mental disorder, the survivor may experience relief. There is a stigma attached to suicide, partly due to the misunderstanding surrounding it.
As such, family members and friends of the survivor may not know what to say or how and when to provide assistance. They may rely on the survivor’s initiative to talk about the loved one or to ask for help.
Shame or embarrassment might prevent the survivor from reaching out for help. Stigma, ignorance, and uncertainty might prevent others from giving the necessary support and understanding.
As a result, ongoing support remains important to maintain family and friendship relations during the grieving process.
The organization offers resources for survivors to review on their own time and their own terms, including Survivors of Suicide: Coping with the Suicide of a Loved One booklet and A Handbook for Survivors of Suicide.
The American Association of Suicidology states that survivors of suicide are not looking for their lives to return to their prior state because things can never go back to how they were. Survivors aim to adjust to life without their loved one.