Commentary—

How To Succeed In College

By Mary Ann Murtha

Are you going to college this fall? Me, too. I’m excited, and a little nervous.

But I’m not a student, I’m a professor. And I teach required courses, which, for many students, are about as exciting as a church sermon in a foreign language. I’ve been teaching for — I can’t believe I’m saying this — longer than most of my students have been alive, which, of course, makes me very, very old.

I am so old that maybe you’ll listen to my advice about how to succeed in college. My advice is simple. It consists of three words: Go to class.

That’s it? Go to class? Yes, go to class. Go to every class, the whole class, every day. Going to class actually increases your chances of academic success. Indeed, this is a popular theory. Somewhat similar to the big bang theory, or the concept of relativity, it often takes students several semesters to thoroughly comprehend this fascinating concept.

Many students think that if a class meets, say, three times each week, that they have some sort of obligation or God-given, red, white and blue, Mama’s apple pie, constitutional right, to miss class once every week or two. They’re tired. They have to study. They’re stressed. They’ve broken up. They’re breaking down. They want to go home. They want to run away from home. They don’t have a home….the list goes on. My advice: Go to class.

Many students think that Friday classes are optional, because, remarkably, Friday arrives after Thirsty Thursday, one of the most over-rated evenings in college life. The truth is that attending Friday classes is like brushing your teeth. In other words, you don’t actually have to do it, but if you don’t, there’s a price to pay.

Then there are the early morning classes. Students often think that it’s okay to miss a class that meets, before, say, 11. One semester I taught a class that started at 9 am. Big Bob, a tackle on the football team, often told me that he missed class because he was, believe it or not, sleeping. I gave him an “A” in honesty and an “F” in participation. (I was teaching English, not Ethics.)

Many students think that it’s okay to be late to class. Very late. I had one student who clearly enjoyed being late. She was blonde and beautiful. We’ll call her Barbie. Barbie wore halter tops, short skirts, and have-sex-with-me shoes, when it was about 10 degrees out. Her favorite color, of course, was hot pink. The door to my classroom was in the back. Barbie’s seat, naturally, was in the front row, way over by the window. Barbie used to saunter in, flick her hair, cross her legs, lick her lips, and giggle to the class, “Oh, sorry I’m late.” (For your information, Barbie is now sweeping hair in the local salon, and, wow, she is quite a talented little sweeper.) And the moral of the story? Don’t be late like Barbie.

Sometimes students think they can catch up if they miss a class. Maybe, they think, they’ll get notes from that nerdy girl with the Frito breath in the front row. Good luck. Unless the nerdy Frito girl also happens to be a court stenographer, the notes will be about as coherent as Braille. Besides that, some professors have a somewhat sadistic love affair with pop quizzes, particularly on Fridays. (See above.)

If you want to succeed in college, remember these three words: Go to class. Repeat theses words slowly in your mind, as if you are hypnotizing yourself: “Go to class. Go to class. Go to class.” Sing these words in the shower. Recite them at stoplights. Have your lover whisper them in your ear. Doodle them on the phonebook. Shout them at the fish tank. Imprint them on your cerebrum. Tattoo them on your wrist. Then, go to class.

What will happen if you go to every class, the whole class, every day? As the beloved Dr Seuss said, “And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed!”

(Mary Ann Murtha is a Newtown resident who teachers writing at Western Connecticut State University.)