Exploring The Wilderness Within And Without As Men ‘Return To The Fire’

By Nancy K. Crevier

When Jody Grose was 11 years old, he went on the first of what would become several annual wilderness trips with his father. “It was such a gift he gave me,” said Mr Grose, a Newtown resident. “I didn’t realize it until I shared it in a circle with other men. Through all of our struggles as father and son, the core of who we were was cemented in those trips. They carried us through our trials and tribulations,” he said.

Mr Grose, who holds a degree in psychology, is a special education teacher at Coleytown Middle School in Westport, and a private counselor for parenting, teens, and particularly for men. His side business, Return to the Fire, focuses on workshops with a variety of activities for men to build community. He also passes on the gift given him by his father in the form of wilderness canoe trips for men, and for fathers and sons.

Like many of the men who seek out the Return to the Fire workshops, it was the recognition of broken places in his own life that led him to a healing journey. Under the mentorship and through the compassion of a friend “who could see the gifts and the wounds within,” Mr Grose underwent therapy that eventually led to his joining a men’s group. “It opened my spirit to the depth of love and support and camaraderie that men can have when they get past the bravado and mistrust that men have,” said Mr Grose. “It has been my life’s passion ever since, leading men in their longest journey: from their heads to their hearts.”

Since 1985, he has practiced leading men through the confusion that surrounds this culture’s messages to men about emotions, and he has worked at modeling for his own children, twins Sarah and Tucker, now 19, the gamut of human emotions. “They have seen me get angry, they have seen people be angry with me, they have seen me cry, and they have seen me laugh. I try to be honest with them and let them see that it is okay to have these feelings,” said Mr Grose.

Boys’ emotions in the American culture are not validated or respected, said Mr Grose. “So what are men trained to do from the time they are boys? Keep it all inside. Then men get into a relationship and the women want to know what men are thinking. Is it any wonder men don’t have that skill?” he asked.

He sees his job as that of providing a place in which communication skills are practiced, supported, and honored. Using his years of experience as a leader, he seeks a sense of each group’s needs. Each session sets its own ground rules, makes agreements, and discusses what makes it a safe place to converse on a deeper and more inspiring level than is usual for the typical American male. “These are not safe topics,” said Mr Grose. “I’m inviting men to step into themselves by gently and persistently inviting them into a ‘safe container’.”

The “safe container” is a huge tepee in the woods behind his Newtown home, where a fire circle creates a sense of security for the four to 12 men who take part in each workshop session. The name of his business, Return to the Fire, encompasses the symbol of the circle with no beginning and no end, as is each person’s journey, as well as the very ancient practice of men gathered about a fire circle. “Men used to gather and share stories and pass on the culture to young men around the fire,” explained Mr Grose. “We’ve lost that. Many men today are in isolation. My intent is to be a place where men are ready to stop and ask directions. Return to the Fire provides support during transitions, another aspect that is missing in our culture,” he said.

Honoring The Earth

It was his father who taught him his wilderness skills, and his family who taught him to honor the earth. “I’ve always felt connected to the earth,” he said. “It has been a rich, important part of my life,” he said, and he and his wife, Kathy, have tried to pass this respect on to their children. Even in the act of cutting down a Christmas tree, the family takes a moment to offer tobacco to the four winds in thanks.

It is one of the Native American rituals that he weaves into his daily life, but he said that while the spirituality of the Native American way of life has called to him personally, he is always careful to honor the Native Americans and not try to “sell” the culture as part of his business.

Mr Grose has spent time with the Lakota Sioux on Rosebud Reservation in South Dakota, and appreciates the Native American connection with all beings and the rituals of the culture. “One of the things I connected with was that there was a sense of no separation of spirituality and everyday life,” he said. He incorporates some of the elements of the Native American spirituality into the fire circle, such as the use of the “talking stick” to signify a person’s option to speak and the burning of sage. “I’m very careful about mixing this spirituality of the Native Americans and the men’s work that I do,” he stressed. “I’m not a Native American. It is important to keep the sacredness apart from the men’s work that I’m paid for.”

The workshops, held once in the spring and once in the fall during nine-week sessions, generally attract men in their 20s and up, with only the occasional father/son combination. There is not a set agenda, although Mr Grose does use techniques to bring about facilitating the conversations. The process of opening up is a fragile one for most of the men who seek help, and Mr Grose said that only by feeling that he is in a secure environment of trust and love can a man learn to do so.

The men set the themes, though, working to empower each participant. “We move together,” said Mr Grose. “I share my heart. I do my work, too, because I’m not done, either. We’re all together in finding our way.”

Many participants return time and again to the workshops, but there are always newcomers who learn about Return to the Fire through word of mouth. Sometimes, it is women who discover the group and encourage the men in their lives to look into it. “Women hear about what I do and they are very enthusiastic. But men are initially suspicious, and feel that it is a threat. Men being aware of their inner wilderness is not so accepted in our culture,” he said.

The workshops can generate a change in a person that may be difficult for a relationship, he said. “Anytime a person is growing and changing, it changes the dynamics in a relationship. Ultimately, we do seek change, but it has to be handled carefully,” said Mr Grose. He recognizes what needs to be expressed in the circle so that the emotions do not return home in a “raw” state. It is through this guidance and support that Return to the Fire creates a space where men can grow.

Along with the common theme of men being uncomfortable expressing feelings, the other theme men frequently carry, said Mr Grose, is “father hunger.” It is a hunger that fathers, starving themselves, inadvertently pass on to their children.

“Many dads are still finding their own way and are physically or mentally absent from their sons. What boys need is a ‘blessing’ from an older man every day, an honoring of who they see in the boy. When boys don’t get that, a wound is formed and in that wound is the dragon: my father doesn’t love me, I’m not good enough.”

The wilderness canoe trips provide fathers and sons with the chance to reconnect and to spend time with other fathers and sons away from the distractions of everyday life.

He has taken Tucker with him on the wilderness canoe trips on the west branch of the Penobscot River in Maine, on the Allagash, and into Canada for the past eight years. This summer, following Tucker’s graduation from high school, may be the first summer his son is unavailable to accompany him on the trip. “It’s been such a gift of time together,” said Mr Grose.

He has watched numerous fathers and sons bond on these trips in the nearly 25 years that he has provided them. “When I hear men recognizing what they are doing or not doing for their children, they awaken and start making some of these changes; to me, it doesn’t get any better than that. That’s the cycle.”

Return to the Fire is currently planning this July’s wilderness canoe trips, one for men over the age of 20, and one for fathers and sons. Registration is still open, but each trip is limited to 12 participants. For information and to register, visit returntothefire.com. Information about the biannual workshops and island retreats on the Housatonic River can also be found at the website.