When Every Day Is Father’s Day—

Home Is Where The Heart Is For Stay-At-Home Dads

By Nancy K. Crevier

There are 66.3 million fathers in America, according to a 2005 US Census Bureau report. Of those 66.3 million, 98,000 of them are stay-at-home fathers and at least three of those 98,000 call Newtown home.

“I’m a novelty at school gatherings during the day like the PTA or those kinds of events. But that only lasts a minute and then everyone is comfortable,” says Sandy Hook resident Tom Buonocore.

Parents’ reactions to his presence in situations where there are mostly mothers are old hat to him, though. Mr Buonocore has been a stay-at-home dad for nearly 12 years. He has attended school conferences, waited in line for the after-school pickup, served as a classroom parent, and volunteered for daytime school events while juggling appointments, cleaning the house, shopping, and doing the yard work. His four sons, Andrew, 14, Jake, 11, Cooper, 8, and Brian, 5, expect Mr Buonocore to be the parent waiting in a line of chatting moms at the end of the school day.

“My kids don’t take any notice of the fact that I’m the parent at home,” says Mr Buonocore. “It’s what they’ve always known.”

How he ended up in what remains an atypical male role, he explains, was, “Sort of a coin flip. Lucina and I had just had Jake,” he says, “and Andrew was in daycare. We realized the cost of daycare was going to be prohibitive for two children, so we looked at who had the best work package; my wife did and that’s what we went with. I don’t see it at all as having drawn the ‘short straw.’ My relationship with my kids is different than my dad’s [relationship] was with me. I know everything about my kids. He didn’t have that advantage [of being able to spend time with his children].”

Switching gears from working outside of the home to staying at home with his two small children was a little like starting up a business, Mr Buonocore says. “You have to plan everything and you have to do it all. You are responsible from top to bottom.” Getting down a routine that worked for the young family was key to his success, he says. “But that’s one of the greatest gifts I’ve gotten from staying at home: to be able to have a big overview of our lives.”

The Buonocore family soon grew with the births of Cooper and Brian, but by then Mr Buonocore had family affairs under control. The support of his neighbors helped, too. “I’ve had a built-in support group of neighborhood moms. If I didn’t live in this neighborhood, it would be very isolating.”

Isolation from adult relationships is a reality for stay-at-home parents, whether they are moms or dads. “When you’re the primary care parent, you never get to leave, you’re always on call,” Mr Buonocore says. “One of the harder parts of being at home with the kids is that you’re not really in touch with guys to hang out with,” he says. “After all, I can’t very well ask the neighborhood moms if they want to go out to the movies,” he laughs.

“Create a social network outside of the home,” he advises. “You need time to reenergize. I read, I do sports. Oddly enough, I work at Target on the weekends and that gives me a chance to reconnect with other adults.”

Would he recommend staying at home with their children to other fathers? “The things you learn about yourself and your kids is amazing,” he says. “I’m actually surprised there are not more dads who are stay-at-home dads now.”

A Logical Choice

Martin Blanco, who has lived in Newtown for two years with his wife and two children, feels blessed to have this opportunity to be home full-time. He has been a stay-at-home dad since Kathryn, 7, was 6 months old. The Blancos also have a son, Matthew, who is 4 years old. When Mr Blanco and his wife, Dr Barbara Blanco, a radiologist at Danbury Hospital, decided to start a family it was logic, he says, that dictated he would be the parent to stay at home. Having a parent at home, a dad or a mom, was important to both of them.

“Her position as a doctor was just not as flexible as mine. I am in theater — arts administration and stage director. It made sense for me to stay home.” As a stay-at-home dad with his first born, Mr Blanco knew only one other father who stayed home. “He was a great source of information,” he recalls. It was the mothers that he met in Massachusetts and Maryland, where he and his wife lived during Kathryn’s infancy, though, that proved to be his support system.

“I’ve never experienced moms feeling uncomfortable around me,” he says. “I think many women enjoy nonthreatening male companionship. I’m a low-key guy.”

Probably the most challenging situation he encountered in his early years at home was being in groups with breast-feeding mothers. “Once we became used to each other, it was very easy,” he laughs. “It was nice that they felt comfortable around me. After that, diapers and food issue questions are easy.”

Even factoring in the hard days, Mr Blanco would not choose another path. “I love being with my kids. I love playing board games with them and all of that stuff. And I love cooking. Food is an important part of the day, particularly when they are young. If you don’t like to cook,” he warns, “it is going to make things a little harder.”

While Kathryn is at school, Mr Blanco enjoys the time he spends with Matthew. He picks up the house, does the grocery shopping and keeps track of the children’s activities. He is involved with the PTA and after school is time for sports and Brownies. “I’m a co-leader of Brownie Troop 355,” he says. “It’s important to stay involved in [children’s] lives. Enjoy and participate as long as you can,” he says.

His children have only recently commented on the role-reversal that is played out in their lives. “A couple of years ago, Kathryn noticed that ‘mommy works and daddy stays home.’ From her perspective, moms are the doctors. Kathryn sees women as equal in society,” he says.

Initially, Mr Blanco thought he would be able to freelance from home, but it was not until recently that life has calmed down enough for him to do so. “So much is driven by what the kids are doing,” he says. “Mostly I do stuff with my kids. I’m not bored. While I miss my ‘other life,’ I’m not pining away.”

Now that Matthew is older, he has been able to take on some theater work again, including a recent production of Irish Authors Held Hostage in Washington, D.C.

“I’m lucky I have been able to keep a toe in what I do. Because of my wife’s position, I can pick and choose [when I take on a production].”

Immersed in a mainly female world during the day, once a month Mr Blanco makes it a point to meet up with “working” dads. “We just do typical guy stuff, like go to the movies or go to the Newtown Inn.” His choice to stay at home has not affected how he relates to his male friends, he says. A common response to his lifestyle, he says, is more likely to be “I wish I could do that.” What he senses from the other fathers he knows is a longing from them to engage more with their children.

His advice to parents, be they fathers or mothers, boils down to bedtime. “Bedtime is important. It’s a time of healing, when you can go over the day, what went right, what didn’t. We can prepare for the next day and wash away the bad stuff. So, get bedtime in order.”

Experience Times Three

James Belden might not have the years of stay-at-home dad experience that Tom Buonocore has, but he multiples every experience by three. Mr Belden and his wife, Margaret, are the parents of 4½-year-old triplets, James, Jr, Olivia, and Lauren. He has been the primary care giver since the triplets were 3 months old.

Before the Beldens moved to Newtown when the babies were 4 months old, he was a marketing manager in the recycling and waste management business in the New York metro area. “With the move to Connecticut and a quieter lifestyle, Margaret’s commute to Stamford, where she is director of human resources for a hedge fund, was easier,” says Mr Belden. The couple agreed that her job was financially sounder and that it would make sense for James to stay at home with the triplets.

“It’s been good for me,” he says. “I was successful in what I did, but it wasn’t what I wanted to do forever.”

The first year was a disorienting time for him, he recalls. It is a blur of bottle washing and diaper changing, he says. “When one was done being fed and diapered and played with the next one needed my attention. It was a huge amount of work, exhausting. There is an underappreciation for anyone who stays at home [with children],” he says.

By the time the first year passed, Mr Belden was taking his crew to reading time at the library, Gymboree classes and KidsFit classes in town. “I felt a bit alienated from the ‘mom’ culture,” he says. “I would have casual conversations with other moms, but it seemed like they weren’t sure what to make of me. Once the kids got into school, that was my primary way to meet other adults.”

His attempts at being a visiting parent at Newtown Congregational Nursery School, where James, Olivia, and Lauren attend school, were not entirely successful last year, not because of his being a man in the midst, but rather due to one of the quirks of parenting triplets. Because the three children are used to relying upon each other outside of school for entertainment and social interaction, it takes longer for them to break out socially in the school environment.

“When I was a helping parent, one [of the triplets] would start clinging to me and then that behavior is contagious to the other two. I feel badly that I don’t have more opportunity to be involved in the cooperative, but it’s really better for my kids if I don’t go in, not even on field trips. I’m a distraction,” he explains.

If anyone has any preconceived notions about how blissful it is to be home with children full-time, they might want to rethink that, particularly when multiples are involved.

Even though his each of his children has a distinct personality, developmentally they are all in the same place. “They’re very good kids, but they’re 4-year-olds. When they’re all in the same mind frame, sometimes that’s easier, sometimes not. They can all start running around and it’s like they’re on fire. When six o’clock rolls around, that’s when everything hits the fan. It’s crazy,” he laughs.

Being at home allows him to watch his children grow and spend time with them that would otherwise be lost. “There is no more important job in the world [than parenting] and it is the most rewarding job,” he emphasizes. His children also experience life differently to some degree being at home with a male influence, he points out. Rather than an afternoon at the park, he is apt to take the three children hiking at Huntington Park or take them fishing. An outing such as a recent one to the tree planting project sponsored by several local conservation groups is not uncommon.

“We are very lucky that we can afford to have help with the triplets,” he says, referring to their nanny, Vanessa Ribbiro, whose daily presence gives him the opportunity to spend some one-on-one time with each of the children and allows him free time to pursue his own interests.

Much of his free time is spent working on an effort near and dear to his heart, cold water conservation. Mr Belden is on the board of directors and is vice president of Trout Unlimited, the country’s largest grassroots organization for cold water resources. He is also president of the Pootatuck Watershed Association. While he has been involved with Trout Unlimited almost from the time the family moved to Newtown, the PWA was organized just last fall in response to issues that he and others in the area felt needed to be addressed. Being highly involved in the two conservation groups gives him the chance to connect with adults, he says, after a day of child-rearing.

“I am also obsessive about my fly-fishing. I try to spend a couple of hours a day fly-fishing if I can,” he confesses. While it does not always put him in contact with other adults, it allows him time to decompress, an essential element to being a successful stay-at-home dad.

The Belden triplets have just reached an age where they have noticed that other kids have moms at home. “I don’t think they see it as out of the ordinary, though,” says Mr Belden. “They see their parents as equal parents.”

When every day is Father’s Day, it can be a good thing, say these three fathers. Mr Blanco likes to quote an unlikely father-figure, Mario Puzo’s Don Corleone from The Godfather, to sum up his feelings: “A man who never spends time with his family can never be a man.”