Bits & Pieces

(Too Much) Parental Involvement

By Kim J. Harmon

Moments after the Newtown High School softball team vanquished undefeated Lauralton Hall in the South-West Conference semi-finals at DeLuca Field in Stratford, a smiling head coach Jay Edwards could be seen pointing up into the stands … presumably at his mother, who had come down for the game.

He should have been pointing at the two or three detractors who have been grumbling all season (on the field and on the phone) about his handling of the team – his coaching strategies and/or the doling out of playing time.

Of course, coach Edwards wouldn’t do that.

And he does not suffer this kind of (too much) parental involvement alone.

This is a cross that every coach at every school in every city in every state has to bear in order to coach a group of young men or women. But me – I’m not worried about every coach at every school in every city in every state; I’m worried about the coaches at Newtown High School and the seemingly never-ending abuse most of them have to endure from the sidelines.

When Carl Strait took over the baseball team, he was widely and vociferously criticized for some of the cuts he made to the team (the chatter on this issue still continues three years later, for crying out loud) and all he did was change the attitude, turn the program around and lead it to its first conference and state tournament berth in seven years.

When Brian Micena took over the boys’ lacrosse program, he was also criticized for some of the cuts he made to the team and all he did was turn it into a South-West Conference power – so feared, in fact, that coaches from other schools in the conference felt compelled to force a separation of the league into Division I (Joel Barlow and Newtown) and Division II (everyone else) teams.

Football coach Ken Roberts has dealt with harsh criticism and all he did was lead the program to one CIAC semifinal game and to the brink of another (for want of an extra point – an extra point – Newtown would have qualified for the CIAC playoffs last fall).

Name another coach at Newtown High School and he or she has dealt with the same sort of criticism.

Of course, some coaches have broken rules in the past and have stepped over the line in the ways they have dealt with their athletes and their teams and those coaches have either been punished or relieved of their duties. That is the responsibility of the athletic director and the school administration and they have done an admirable job of that.

What I’m talking about here is the never-ending nitpicking that goes on … behind the scenes and right there on the field.

It has gotten to the point that a coach can’t cut a player without being subjected to a series of harsh emails, registered letters, and meetings with the offended parent and school administrators … a softball coach can’t hold up a runner at third without hearing an exasperated, “Nooooooooooo!” screamed from the sidelines … a baseball coach can’t have his fastest player bunt without hearing a “You’re down 7-0 and you’re bunting?” from the sidelines … a coach can’t sit a player on the bench for not playing well or for poor attitude without getting three or four phone calls from an increasingly distraught parent … a coach can’t win 20 games without parents wondering why he didn’t win 21 or 22.

It’s maddening.

About cutting a player –

I’m a parent and my son has tried out for his middle school basketball team and not made it (even when I thought he should, at least as 10th man) and I could see making a phone call to the coach, so I’m really not going to begrudge anyone that option (just don’t make it an obsession).

Yet even though you think the coach can’t see the true abilities of your son or daughter, remember this – neither can you. Just like a writer is the worst judge of his own work, parents are the worst judges of their son’s or daughter’s athletic ability. I see the flaws in my son’s game; sometimes I just not willing to admit it.

There is a psychological basis for that and I’m sure I could go on for days about it, but another root cause is that a lot of parents see the glory of a college scholarship or even a professional contract on the horizon and how dare a coach stand in the way of that (college scholarships are awarded to very few high school athletes and fewer still go on to become professional athletes … so few that the number is statistically insignificant).

A coach cuts a player or sits that player on the bench because the coach’s goal is to put a team on the field (or court) that he or she feels has the best chance to succeed. Maybe this problem is an unfortunate byproduct of Newtown youth sports – as wonderful as they are, parents have been being lulled into thinking that playing time is not a privilege, but a right. That’s perfect for youth sports, but it doesn’t work that way on any other level. In high school, playing time is earned through hard work, attitude, and – yes – talent.

Now, about game strategies –

What is the most maddening to me is listening to parents on the sidelines criticizing (sometimes very loudly) the decisions a coach is making on the field … parents who either have no coaching experience whatsoever or parents who figure that coaching rec league ball is all the experience they need to shout imprecations.

The only person qualified to critique a high school coach’s decision making is another high school coach – and, of course, they wouldn’t do that (at least not publicly).

If you want to wonder why a lot of athletes – in youth sports and in high school sports – show such deplorable attitudes on the field it may be because of the incessant criticisms of the coaches that they keep hearing from their parents.

If you think that isn’t affecting your son or daughter, think again.

The bottom line, I guess, is that Newtown High School coaches are out there on the sidelines because they love the sport, they love the kids, and they love to coach. They aren’t doing it for the money (although they all receive a stipend, if you factor in the time they spend they are all making about 50 cents an hour – wow!) and they aren’t doing it for their own personal benefit. In fact, coaches are quitting because they are fed up with parents.

You want solutions? If you are upset that a coach has cut your son or daughter, then find a team outside of school and if you don’t like the way the coach is handling the team or your son or daughter’s playing time, take them out of the program. If you don’t, then you have given up whatever right you may have had to criticize the way the coach handles the team.

Now, I only wonder if those parents who so loudly and vociferously criticize coaches spend as much time worrying about how the teachers are teaching their kids.