Intergenerational Living Requires Family Adaptations

By Nancy K. Crevier

“Several factors are driving this trend. We see families coming together to share family caregiving duties for economic reasons and emotional support,” said Sharon Massafra, certified senior advisor and president of the Home Instead Senior Care franchise in Sandy Hook and Trumbull, in a recent press release. The trend to which she referred is the increasing number of families combining households.

“Seniors may feel they need the emotional support of an extended family and possibly financial assistance. Combining households is a big decision,” said Ms Massafra. For that reason, Home Instead Senior Care has launched a public education campaign to help families determine the workability of joining together families of different generations.

A free handbook, Too Close For Comfort?, compiled with the assistance of national experts Matthew Kaplan, PhD, Penn State Intergenerational Programs extension specialist; Adriane Berg, CEO of Generation Bold; and Dan Bawden, founder of Certified Aging in Place Specialists program for the National Association of Home Builders, addresses the stresses of caregiving, adapting a home to accommodate different generations, and the merging of household finances. In addition, makewayformom.com provides additional support, including a calculator to help families decide if living together is a financially wise option. The website features a virtual tour of an intergenerational home, as well, so that viewers can see senior-friendly adaptations made to the home.

Although Home Instead Senior Care research shows that intergenerational living is generally a positive experience, families must learn to navigate potential stresses such as decreased private time and less private space.

Tips from Mr Kaplan include setting expectations upfront so that every family member understands each person’s responsibilities in the home; engaging children and adult siblings in care when needed, or providing for professional caregiving; developing family routines and traditions; building common bonds between generations; respecting privacy; and making clear the household rules.

Families bringing an older member into the household need to assess the safety and physical landscape of the home, as well. Both the website makewayformom.com and the Too Close For Comfort? handbook provide simple and affordable remodeling suggestions to make intergenerational homes safe for everybody.

Gus and Carolyn Thanasoulis, owners of Senior Helpers in Sandy Hook, a franchise dedicated to assisting the elderly in their homes, are absolutely seeing more senior citizens moving in with their adult children.

“There are certainly a number of people who have, for financial reasons, had their parents move into their homes,” said Ms Thanasoulis. “The economic situation has increased intergenerational living, now more than ever,” she added.

They have also observed several situations of adult children moving into their elderly parent’s home, said Mr Thanasoulis. “In one case, the husband lost his job so the daughter and family moved back with her mom. It gave the mom company and assistance that she needed, and relieved some of the immediate concerns about the husband’s job loss,” he said.

Combining generations allows the elderly to remain in homes that may have become too cumbersome for the older generation to maintain, he said. “We have one instance where the husband, wife, and two children have moved back into the daughter’s childhood home. The grandmother moved into an attached, smaller apartment, and it has worked out well for everybody,” said Mr Thanasoulis.

Intergenerational living can be a wonderful thing for families, said Ms Thanasoulis, who has been in the caregiving business for 25 years. But it can also be disastrous if families do not go in “with their eyes open, and set boundaries,” she warned.

“Previous tensions can be magnified when families move in together. Adult children can be frustrated that parents aren’t the same people that they were when the child was growing up. They don’t want to believe that a parent is less capable,” she said.

The other pitfall that the Thanasoulises have seen with intergenerational living situations is the loss of privacy, for both generations.

“With the family on board again, there may be a sense of a lack of privacy and the elderly can feel like a burden,” said Mr Thanasoulis. “Families need to be proactive and should be very open — including with any children involved — before making changes. It is extremely important to assess what is best for everybody,” Mr Thanasoulis stressed.

Even when adult children take in their elderly parents in order to help them with diminishing capabilities, it frequently becomes apparent that outside assistance is needed, said Mr Thanasoulis. Once an elderly parent is living in the household, the family can better determine problems that may not have been apparent when the mother or father was seen only several times a year. Adult children may realize that they are not skilled enough to take care of the parent, or that work schedules and their own parenting responsibilities do not allow them to commit the time that is needed to assist an aging parent. “Both the parent and the adult children feel better sometimes getting some help from the outside,” said Mr Thanasoulis.

“Overall, the blended families that we see are happy, though,” said Ms Thanasoulis. “It’s working.”

Living Compatibly

When Bea Piskura’s husband died in 1998 and her daughter’s family encountered financial concerns, she welcomed the family of four into her Newtown home. “We had always gotten along,” said Ms Piskura. “I’m the kind of person who can smooth out rough spots,” a critical piece, she feels, to a successful blending of generations.

Consideration for each other’s needs has helped the three generations live compatibly, said Ms Piskura. When her two grandchildren were both living at home as teenagers, her son-in-law and daughter instilled in them a sense of respect for her.

Along with mutual financial assistance, Ms Piskura said, the best part is knowing that someone is there in case something happens to her. “There’s assistance if I need it,” she said.

She admitted that it is hard to entertain personal friends at home, but because she pursues outside interests, and takes several day trips with the Senior Center, it has never been a huge issue, she said.

For now, she does not need outside assistance, but if that time should come, she will not look to her children to care for her. “I don’t think it should be the child’s responsibility. I would rather have outside care, if it were a long-term illness,” Ms Piskura said.

“When economic times are difficult, it is not a bad idea to consider living together,” she said.

Security And

Companionship

Harriet Ford, 97, has lived with her daughter Charlene and son-in-law, Kenneth Barney, for 20 years, since it became clear to the Barneys that Mrs Ford did not like living alone. They renovated the downstairs of their home into an apartment. “Way back in the beginning, I was working part-time, so my mother helped me with babysitting our four kids. She would start meals for us, too. I has worked out well, I think, because we have always had our own spaces.”

Living with her daughter and family gives her a sense of security and companionship, and has allowed her to develop a special bond with her grandchildren, said Mrs Ford.

“We always got along, so it has never been difficult. My husband died very young, and Charlene has always been the one who I rely on,” she added.

Both Mrs Ford and Mrs Barney said that having the whole family agreeable to a mixed generation family is necessary to making it work. “I think that has a lot to do with it,” said Mrs Ford. “My son-in-law goes along with it, and not every man would be good with having a mother-in-law move in.”

For many years Mrs Ford was self-sufficient, but what has been the saving grace for the family the past seven years is outside help from Home Instead and the Newtown Visiting Nurse’s Association. “It’s easier to have outside help than to have to ask Charlene,” said Mrs Ford, who looks forward to the five days a week that her Home Instead caregiver, Norma Boudreau, is with her. Ms Boudreau assists Mrs Ford with self-care, housekeeping, and shopping, and provides company during times of the day when the Barneys cannot do so. “I love it,” said Mrs Ford.

Mrs Barney does not work outside the home anymore, but volunteer work and caring for her own daughter’s 22-month-old twins occupies a great deal of her time. “It is a wonderful relief for both of us to have Home Instead come in to help, and the VNA is a blessing as well,” said Mrs Barney. “If it weren’t for them chipping in, it would be too hard for my mother to stay here. The caregivers help you to maintain your own family and life.

 “It works for my mom,” said Mrs Barney, “and knowing she’s safe is the best part of having her here.”

Intergenerational living can relieve some financial stressors, but when families realize the need for outside assistance with health and home care, they must look at the options for paying for the help. Outside costs for companions can cost around $20 an hour, or for a certified nurse’s assistant, between $22 and $25 dollars an hour.

Jennifer Barrett, spokesperson for Home Instead in Sandy Hook said that there are two ways to pay for home assistance, either privately out of pocket or private insurance that covers the cost, or with Title 19 funds. A Title 19 recipient, also called Medicaid in Connecticut, is assessed by the state for the needs-based program. If found eligible, Medicaid will pay for in-home health and home care assistance.

“It’s about 50/50, as to how many of our clients pay privately or through Title 19,” said Ms Barrett. Home Instead will also work with people to find funding through other resources if they do not qualify for Title 19 and cannot afford home care privately. Local social services offices and senior care managers often are able to help in those instances, she said.

While Senior Helpers only accepts private pay or payment through long-term insurance, said Mr Thanasoulis, Senior Helpers is happy to direct people unable to pay privately to other avenues that may assist them. “Some people are eligible for veterans’ benefits,” said Mr Thanasoulis. “Or we can direct a person to state-approved agencies. We never leave anybody without some way to access care.”

For a free copy of Too Close for Comfort? contact the Sandy Hook Home Instead Senior Care office at 426-6666, or the Trumbull office at 386-1151.