A Toast To The ‘R’ Word

To the Editor:

Economists say that we “may” be in a recession. “Hard to know when you’re actually in one when you’re actually in it.” Recessions of the past have been realized years after they’ve come and gone and it turns out that the gassy feeling you had in 1981 wasn’t gas at all. It was a recession.

Recessions are not an easily diagnosed symptom like a cold or flu. No sneezing or nausea involved in a recession. Symptoms may be a lack of wanting to spend or getting really upset over an electric bill, but that may simply be “you being a cheapo.” The illusive recession is not easily detected. Economists have come up with new findings to help us realize if we are actually in a recession or just simply suffering from other new diseases like, RLS, ED or IBS, you know, “irregular bowel syndrome.”

Recession test: Stand up as straight as you can. Place your right hand in your right pant pocket; feel around. Ask yourself: Is there less money in there? If the answer is Yes, we may be in a recession. If the answer is “I can’t feel my leg,” call your doctor, you may have RLS. Ask her about the purple pill.

Economists say another way to know if we’re in a recession is that achy feeling you get when you see the oil man pull down your driveway. The once cordial conversation you use to have with him now turns into, “Dude, weren’t you just here?” Negotiating with your oil man may be a sign of a recession. Throwing snowballs at his truck or having your kids lay down in front of his truck may be a sign that the economy is slowing down.

A telltale sign of economic downturn is a “sudden embrace of candlelight” or “SEOC”.

Walking from room to room at night with a lit candle may be a sign that money is tight and you may want to speak with your financial planner. He can perhaps reinvest your 401(k), shifting your portfolio from technology to perhaps, Yankee Candle, or get you volume pricing on matches.

Ask yourself a few questions.

Do you sleep with a hot water bottle tucked into the small of your back?

Have you spent this past winter eating dinner in a parka?

Does your 4,800-square-foot  house now make you nauseous?

Do you diabolically chuckle at SUVs at the gas pump?

Have you asked your mailman for a “quick lift back into town”?

Have you replaced your furnace with a dog chasing a cat on a conveyer belt?

Do you long for the good old days when home heating was $3.25 a gallon?

“Jane, stop this crazy thing!”

Perhaps all of this is somehow meant to force us to stay home a bit more or to sit a little closer or to gather in the den around a roaring fire and simply chat. Sounds like a pretty nice recession to me.

A toast: “To the “R” word.”

Gavin Preis

49 Flat Swamp Road, Newtown                                                                     April 22, 2008