Parent Connection Forum—

‘If You Love Me,

Why Don’t You Listen?’

By Roseanne Loring

About 100 parents found out that truly “listening” was more difficult that they may have thought after attending the last Newtown Parent Connection forum last Tuesday, February 15.

Cher Shannon, MHSA, LADC, SAP, engaged the audience using role-playing and simulated scenarios on her presentation on the value of listening entitled, “If You Love Me, Why Don’t You Listen?”

Ms Shannon shared the findings of children, age 7 through 17, who were asked the question, “What do you wish your parents did more frequently?” While some parents might have thought their children wanted to be taken more often to the toy store or the mall, an overwhelming number of kids replied, “I wish they would listen to me.” Parents, advised Ms Shannon, need to put down the remote control and give a few minutes of “eyeball to eyeball” listening. 

Defining communication as “speaking,” “hearing,” and  “listening,” Ms Shannon discussed the value of the “2 to 1 rule” — listening twice as much as one speaks. Unlike collegiate courses in Communication 101, which focus on getting a message across effectively, there are no courses on effective listening.

In one exercise, in which two audience members were asked to sit and “talk” to one another, each participant found how difficult it was to clearly listen when one is speaking at the same time. In addition, thoughts, often unrelated to the subject being verbally communicated, run through both speakers’ minds.

After pointing out how difficult listening could be, Ms Shannon discussed several unique styles of communication: “The Drill Sergeant,” “The Prosecuting Attorney,” “The Egomaniac,” “The Comedian,” “The Shrink,” and “The Avoider.”

The audience was presented with the scenario of a young teen that was constantly coming in post-curfew. Worse yet, the parents were not called and told the teen was going to be late!

Ms Shannon asked how the audience how a listener could respond in each of the unique styles.  Ms Shannon reminded her audience, “Did you hear what I said or what you thought I said?” 

Listening is not the same thing as hearing — it is clearly understanding what is heard. Everyone, not just kids, wants to be listened to, said Ms Shannon. “People go to counselors simply to be heard,” she said, “looking for someone to understand their feelings.” 

To be an active listener involves asking questions, clarifying those questions, maintaining eye contact, expressing verbal encouragement, and asking open-ended questions that encourage discussion as opposed to close-ended questions that typically result in short, yes-or-no answers.

The first word of the question is key. While the word “what” asks for facts and “how” incurs the process, the word “could” gives the person the option to say, “No, I don’t want to.”  The dreaded “why” query, requiring full reasons or explanations, can place a person on the defensive. 

At this point, Ms Shannon launched the audience into an exercise that joined people into groups of three. Each person adopted the role of speaker, listener, or observer. Ms Shannon provided the sentence stem, “One of the hardest things about communicating with my _____ is_____.” The “speakers” were off and running, filling in the blanks. Different scenarios abounded. 

At the end of the exercise, Ms Shannon asked the listeners how they felt. Several said they wanted to jump in and help with a solution while others said they were busy thinking of their response while “listening.” Several said they identified with the speaker’s concerns. 

Most realized that the listening process was not an easy one.

In her concluding remarks for the evening, Ms Shannon presented the statement, “Learn to Listen…Listen to Learn.”

 Before opening the floor to questions, she presented a poem that began, “When I ask you to listen and you start giving advice you have not done what I asked…” The poem can be viewed in its entirety on the Newtown Parent Connection’s website at www.NewtownParentConnection.org.

As they have for each of Newtown Parent Connection’s monthly forums, Kathy Dahlmeyer and Don Bates of the Newtown Drug Center Pharmacy provided handouts relative to the topic of listening and communicating. 

The next Parent Connection forum will be held on Wednesday, March 16, from 7 to 9 pm, at Newtown Middle School. The evening will feature Dr Peter Glassman, who will speak on “Addiction Across All Ages.” For more information, visit www.NewtownParentConnection.org.

(Roseanne Loring is a member of The Parent Connection’s board of directors.)