Commentary—

They Just Don’t Make Role Models Like They Used To

By Donald Kaul

You know the year has gotten off to a rotten start when it’s February and the best news we’ve had is that an airline pilot landed his plane in the Hudson River and nobody died.

Let’s see…our greatest Olympic athlete was photographed smoking pot, our greatest baseball player confessed to using steroids then lying about it to Katie Couric, our new Treasury Secretary was caught cheating on his taxes, and our most listened-to talk-radio personality says he’s hoping Barack Obama fails.

Fortunately, none of these things is as depressing as it first seems. For example:

Michael Phelps, pot smoker — Phelps spends hours of his day swimming, an activity that makes watching paint dry seem electric. Little wonder that in his off hours he seeks the escape of a drug-induced haze. To do so in a crowd that bristles with cellphone cameras, however, is like sticking your finger in the light socket to see if the electricity is on. Mr Phelps is obviously dumb as a box of rocks. If you have him as a role model I suggest you raise your standards.

Alex Rodriguez, steroid-user — The reigning World’s Greatest Ballplayer copped a plea after a magazine revealed that he’d tested positive for the drugs in 2003, a test he took after being assured that no one would ever publish the results. (A promise that ranks up there with “I’ll respect you in the morning.”) Mr Rodriguez, teary and apologetic, suggested it had been a “loose time” for major league baseball and that he’d been caught up in the permissive spirit of the age. Sports writers were quick to jump on him, doing their best Mary Poppins imitations: “Just because everybody is doing it is no excuse for you to do it” they wrote, again and again.

Actually, it’s a better excuse than most. If you’re in a highly competitive business and your competitors are cheating and not getting caught, you have to be a plaster saint not to be tempted to cheat too. (If those sportswriters could take a pill that would make them write like Rodriquez hits, they’d take it in a blink.) There are two reasons for not taking steroids: They are bad for your health. They are illegal. In any case, someone should tell Alex that there’s no crying in baseball. But if you were thinking of Alex Rodriguez as a role model, think again.

Tim Geithner, Treasury Secretary-tax cheat — He said that not paying his housekeeper’s payroll tax was an oversight, understandable for a busy man involved in matters of great moment. And besides that, the dog ate his tax return.

The fact that a high flier like Geithner was doing his own taxes would indicate that he might have something he wanted to keep from an independent accountant. We can only hope that the 30 grand he owed for the housekeeper was all he was hiding.

I favored his confirmation as Treasury Secretary because he seemed to be the only person on earth who understood the proposed bailout of the financial system. Then he rolled out his plan and proved that a guy who looks like a pencil-necked geek can be just as terrifying as Hank Paulson.

Seeking a role model? Seek elsewhere.

Rush Limbaugh, talk-show-buffoon — This bag of wind makes Don Imus look like Winston Churchill. The fact that the leaders of the Republican Party line up to kiss his ring every time he raises an eyebrow tells you all you need to know about the Republican Party.

Obama is trying to put out a raging forest fire that threatens us all and they’re complaining he’s using too much water. House Republicans actually congratulated themselves on opposing the stimulus package unanimously.

Thus the soldiers of the GOP line up behind General Limbaugh. Perhaps it’s not his ring they’re kissing after all.

If Rush Limbaugh is your role model…try wearing a corrective hat. Sometimes it works.

(Don Kaul is columnist based in Washington, D.C.)